Can We Disagree and Co-exist?

While it may seem obvious that humans have differences, when it comes to harmonious relationships, there is a natural pull to want everyone to agree. Some may deny their true feelings to uphold a façade of agreement. Maybe children work to please their parents, or maybe parents withhold information not to burden their children. Maybe partners deny their true desires to avoid disappointment or an argument. But self-denial has a cost. On the surface, there may be harmony, but, deep down, people may feel isolated, inauthentic, invisible, and stifled.

On the other hand, some people are quite vocal about their points of view and may expect others to agree, obey, and adhere to their beliefs. These could be beliefs about family traditions, culture, religion, and/or political affiliation. What if someone doesn’t agree? Or what if someone is born with a different orientation, or chooses a different path than previous family members? How about differences that are introduced with marriages, in-laws, and blended families as well as generational influences? How do we navigate relationships if we disagree about current events, parenting values, personal choices, or anything else that is deemed important?

The question is this: Can we have authenticity, diverse thinking, potential disagreement, and harmonious relationships? Let’s view this challenge from various perspectives.

Agreement

If the answer is no, based on the assumption that agreement is necessary for harmony, then the message is that people only accept other people that they agree with. From this perspective, it would be required to go along with others’ opinions in order to get along. The downside is this not only dismisses individuality, potential growth, and differing beliefs, but it also diminishes oneself. It is a message of extreme egocentricity that one set of beliefs is right and all others are wrong.

In fact, beliefs are acquired and formed through learning by exposure from other people’s beliefs, personal experiences, and input from other sources including books and other media. What if all of those beliefs were not the whole truth? It is impossible for one person to know the whole truth because one person has not lived the lives of the billions of other people on the planet. Even with intensive studying, the input is limited. So, to be certain of one particular point of view means shutting out all other points of view, including the ones that are completely unknown to the perceiver.

Truth is sometimes confused with charged emotion. Charged emotion and passion in themselves do not make something true, but they could make it popular. Popularity gives a belief the illusion of validity and grows comradery with others who share the beliefs. Comradery is enticing, regardless of whether beliefs are true or not. In this situation, having conflict with those with different beliefs fuels the bonds and passion of those with similar beliefs.

Social psychology shows us that having a common enemy or out-group helps reinforce the bonds of the in-group. Generating negativity regarding an out-group is an effective way to boost membership of an in-group. If leaders were motivated to get followers, then creating disagreement with an out-group is an effective strategy. The more awful the out-group, the better it is for membership to the in-group. This is a manipulative strategy to rile up passion, agreement, and loyalty. Conflict is created on purpose. Between-group harmony would weaken the loyalty to a particular side. Therefore, from this perspective, there cannot be harmony with different beliefs. One has to choose one side or another to strengthen loyalty and belonging.

Authenticity

Now let’s consider that the opposite is true: that it is possible to have authenticity, diverse perspectives, potential disagreement, and harmonious relationships. Authenticity is the critical factor for this, as this takes courage to speak one’s truth when it is different than what others want to hear. It confronts people’s perception of reality. Sometimes people get angry or want to push the difference away, so they don’t have to wrestle with their own assumptions and limitations. If they make the other person wrong, they can preserve their beliefs as being right. This is limited thinking and denial that the world is bigger than oneself.

However, once someone is willing to expand their awareness to allow different points of view to co-exist, they grow in unexpected ways. Diverse points of view are an opportunity to gain new insights, perspectives, empathy, and self-awareness. This is why we enjoy stories (e.g., books, movies, plays) because we get to see the world as if living another person’s life. When we can imagine living a life of another, we can see that they are multifaceted, just like we are, and the point of contention, or difference, is really only one aspect of that person.

A place to start is to consider that it is possible to have your own point of view, and at least consider that someone else’s point of view makes sense for them.

Building Harmonious Relationships

Three levels of strategies are offered toward building harmonious relationships in the face of disagreement:

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1. Tolerance of difference is an initial step toward harmony. Tolerance says, “I disagree with you, but I am allowing us to have our differences without conflict.” Sometimes this comes with emotional boundaries and some conditions for interactions such as not bringing up certain topics.
2. Acceptance is the next step, which says, “I accept that we have different beliefs and I will not try to change, convince, dismiss, undermine, or fix anything. I accept you as you are.” Acceptance acknowledges the difference, allows it to co-exist, and holds a space for mutual respect.
3. Compassion is the next step, which says, “I rise above beliefs and differences. My love for a friend, family member, or humanity is more important than differences.” Love means embracing the person and maybe even wanting to learn about how they feel, think, and experience the world. The difference is not a threat but, rather, an opportunity to see life in a new way.

Expanding Compassion

Expanding your compassion for others, especially for those who are different than you, will by its very nature also expand your awareness, enrich your connection to humanity, and deepen your capacity to love. How do you practice relating to others from the perspective of a shared human existence?

1. Find common ground, as a difference is only one aspect of the person.
2. Try to understand the other person’s context and where they are coming from.
3. Be willing to communicate by listening with nonjudgmental openness and sharing with authenticity and kindness.

As Maya Angelou (1994) said, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.”