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Resilience
Surprising Ways of Dealing with Adversity and Hopelessness
How to remain balanced when living in hell.
Updated July 25, 2024 Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.
Key points
- Often we might not be able to choose what happens to us.
- But we can choose how to interpret what happens to us, and we can also choose how to react to what happens.
- This is illustrated by the interview of a retired professor who shows how he copes with everyday problems.
When Professor Lewis Lancaster, a retired Buddhism teacher from Berkeley University, entered a skilled nursing home for 5 months of rehabilitation, little did he know he would enter a hellish situation where helplessness would trigger hopelessness.
Yet, Professor Lancaster managed to live through difficult situations and remain balanced.
What was he exposed to and how did remain sane?
My interview with Professor Lancaster
Chris Gilbert: What didn’t you expect when you spent 5 months in a skilled nursing home?
Lewis Lancaster: I didn’t expect the skilled nursing home to be filled with people with dementia (1). I had to share a room with another person and this man kept on screaming the whole night. It was impossible for me to sleep at night.
When I got pneumonia caused by MRSA, an antibiotic-resistant bug, I had to be put in an isolation room. That was a blessing in disguise because I was alone in my room, and I could finally sleep at night.
But after I was cured, I was moved to another room with another roommate and there again I experienced sleepless nights because of screaming of people in corridors and screaming of my roommate the whole night.
CG: How did you put up with people screaming the whole night which, to me, sounds like hell?
LL: People screaming the whole night next to my bed has been incredibly difficult to cope with.
What I do with that screaming is use it to inspire me. I imagine that what I am hearing is the cry of all the suffering in the world, people crying out their pain, people screaming for some answers and for hope. It reminds me that I need to keep writing about suffering, so I am writing a new book on Buddhism.
CG: What other difficulties did you face those past 5 months?
LL: 1. Difficulties with some of the staff members:
My experience is that some staff members, especially my physical therapist and my occupational therapist, are kind, dedicated to their work, and they give us their all, which makes all the difference. But other staff members don’t seem to care. If I urgently need to go to the bathroom, some staff members come right away and that’s wonderful. Other staff members show their face a few seconds and say they will come back to help me soon, but one hour later I am still waiting.
What do you do then? Some patients get angry and shout at the staff who are supposed to help them, but I don’t get angry. I try to be understanding. People working in this nursing home have a hard life and they have no emotional support. Their life might be harder than mine, so, I have compassion for them. That’s how I cope.
2. Little things become important:
Another difficulty that I face is that I am not allowed to leave the skilled nursing home. Even if a family member wants to take me out in a nearby park for one hour, I am not allowed to leave the facility. I’m only allowed out for doctors’ appointments. For those, I am transferred by ambulance even if the appointment location is across the street from the nursing home.
Because I don’t have the distractions of the outer world, little things become very important. For example, if I can’t find my toothbrush, that becomes a big problem. I must watch myself because otherwise, little things can get to me.
The way I deal with this is that I focus on awareness. I become aware that I am letting a small thing take over my whole being. I tell myself that it isn’t the end of the world if I don’t find my toothbrush or if I don’t find a particular shirt I know is in my cupboard, and I get a new perspective. By getting this new perspective, the things that are bothering me shrink and I realize that I can live through the small things.
3. Moments of hopelessness:
I have moments of feeling hopeless because I can’t control my life and I feel trapped. I look at my body and say to myself: "Will I ever be able to get up by myself?" The answer might be no. Helplessness brings on hopelessness and it’s easy to spiral down.
I must struggle against hopelessness. When I feel hopeless, I must try to get out of it by saying: “This is life, and you must accept that. Even if it’s true that you are helpless and hopeless, you can do things to help fight depression.” So, that’s what I do: I start some new research, I send somebody an email, or I call somebody. That helps.
4. My experience of time changes:
Then, there is the problem of time. My experience of time slows down to such a degree that I have trouble keeping track of what day it is and what time it is. I think things happened a long time ago and they just happened yesterday. It seems that time slows down in a nursing home. Waiting ten minutes for somebody to come and help me seems an eternity and I have trouble keeping things in perspective.
How do I deal with this apparent time slow down? I force myself to see time in its true perspective. I realize that time is what we make of it and that our experience of time depends on our thinking.
Lessons from this interview
Professor Lancaster, despite being surrounded by psychiatric patients in an often understaffed skilled nursing home for 5 months, managed to find ways to keep his sanity.
Our professor demonstrates that, although we might not be able to choose what happens to us, we can choose how to interpret what happens to us, and we can also choose how to react to what happens to us.
Copyright @Chris Gilbert, MD, PhD 2024
References
Research shows that around eighty percent of people in nursing home have some kind of psychiatric disorder, the most frequent kind being dementia.
