Is There Satisfaction in Consensual Nonmonogamy?

Polyamory

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I see a lot of couples in diverse relationships; for example, multiple partners whether all together or in separate connections. This could be a relationship beyond a couple, such as three or more partners who all share a relationship together. It can also mean a couple that has multiple partners outside of each other, romantically and/or sexually. These types of relationships have been around for a long time—and many other animal species engage in them. Despite that, in our culture it remains very much the norm to be in a two-person monogamous relationship, and consensual nonmonogamists still face stigma. Many people are uncomfortable with the idea in their own relationship and project that discomfort onto others. Some people consider it cheating to have a relationship with more than one person. Even in the therapy fields, you will find bias—with therapy practices being called “marriage counseling” or “couples therapy." Most clients I see in nonmonogamous relationships are not out to friends and family because of the stigma.

Is non monogamy ethical?

Of course. As long as everyone is consenting and there is healthy communication, this is an ethical practice. Legally most states and countries won’t recognize a marriage between more than two people but something not being legal does not make it unethical. So the question is really, Does it work for all parties? I always suggest that those exploring this option discuss the benefits and any potential drawbacks. Boundaries and expectations are very important, as they are in traditional relationships. Good relationships are built on a foundation of good communication with constant maintenance.

Do those in non monogamous relationships have higher relationship satisfaction?

Although there may be more emotional work required in these relationships they can have similar relationship satisfaction as other couples experience. (Burning 2016) There may be more work because there are more people to consider and different dynamics between them. Instead of building healthy communication and connection with one partner, you could be doing so with several. Jealousy is not actually rated as more intense than in monogamous relationships but it may happen more frequently since there are more partners involved. In one study from 2014, it was found that those in nonmonogamous relationships have similar outcomes in relationship satisfaction, psychological well-being, and relationship quality. (Rubel and Bogaert). A third article (Bartholomew and Cobb 2013) also concluded that nonmonogamous relationships were a viable way to get one's intimate needs fulfilled.

How prevalent are these relationships?

The most recent survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 12% of their surveyed population identified as either polyamorous or consensually nonmonogamous. They noted that it was more prevalent among gay, lesbian, and bisexual participants as well as younger participants, and black participants. They reported that males were more likely to state this was their ideal relationship type. I think this reflects that in some subcultures there is less of a stigma and it may be more openly explored. Looking at some US Census data, it can be concluded that 1 in 5 participants report engaging in consensual non monogamy at some point in their lives. There was also a correlation that those with nonheterosexual orientation, as well as males, were more likely to report this.

Interested in bringing this into your relationship?

If you are already in a relationship and this is something you want to bring up with your partner here are some tips:

• Prepare to share your reasons for having this desire, and take time for self-reflection.
• Be ready for your partner’s reaction; prepare for a range of emotional responses
• Find a good time to talk when both of you have time and are in a good place to do so.
• Discuss your feelings and needs with open communication.
• Show interest in your partner's feelings and needs and try to validate them.
• Don’t make any decisions in the initial conversation; set time to check back in.

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