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My happy family
I vaguely remember my mother telling me that Prince Charming was a big fat myth. At that time I was probably 13 or 14, so I said what most 13 or 14 year olds would say. It was this, "What do you know?"
At that time in my life, I believed in soul mates, and I believed in big white horses that carried nice girls like me off into their Happily Ever Afters.
I married in 1999. I was 28 years old. I'm sure I thought my husband was a great guy. I'm sure I thought he was hot, smart and provider-like. I'm sure I thought a lot of things.
I'm also absolutely sure that, on the day I married, I didn't suspect for one instant that:
• My husband would at some point not only end up unemployed, but take a hankering to it.
• I would grow to dread his touch, especially if he seemed to have frisky eyes.
• I would ever hear his car tires against the gravel in our driveway and think, "Dang, I was kind of hoping that I would never hear that sound again."
No, on my wedding day, I certainly didn't think I would fantasize about divorce or become so unhappily married that I would plan his funeral. Who does think such things on their wedding day?
But about three years ago, the state of my marital union was anything but a fairy tale. I did not adore my husband. I didn't even like him. Heck, I didn't even want him alive.
I felt so alone back then. I thought my married friends would think I was freakish if they knew about my very dark thoughts---the ones that ruminated over all of the ways my husband could conveniently die. (I've since learned, by the way, that the death fantasy is quite common and quite normal.)
Right about now you are probably expecting me to tell you all about my divorce and what I've done with my life since.
That's not what I have to tell you though. I never did get divorced. I'm still married to the same guy.
And here's the kicker: I am not a masochist.
I love him. We're happy.
Three years ago, I bought and read every marital improvement book that seemed even mildly interesting. I put the advice into practice.
Will you believe that the only terminal problem in our marriage was that we didn't know how to be happily married? I wouldn't have believed it before my marriage project, either. But now, looking back on it, I can see that we were only lacking in some very important skills---communication skills, forgiveness skills, intimacy building skills, listening skills. Once we learned those skills, I stopped planning his funeral and we grew closer.
Now we're happily married. As I said, I now love him.
But I'm not done. I know how easily a marriage can slide into a state of misery and despair. I'm all too familiar with loving my husband one day and wishing he were dead the next.
I know that marriage is both sacred and fragile.
That's why I'm on a continual quest to see just how good a marriage can get. How hot can my sex life become? How close can the two of us feel? How little can we fight but still manage to communicate?
Those are the questions I hope to be able to answer for you-and for me-during this journey. Follow along as I chronicle the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
