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Military transition is a punch in the gut - it often brings an identity crisis and a time filled with overwhelming challenges as service members lose contact with their military family.
Many of you have described “feeling like a ghost” or “an empty shell inside.” This experience goes beyond the personal, private transition in your military role - these feelings occur in the context of an ever-widening cultural gap between civilian citizens and warriors. As I have said previously, despite all the hero worship, I do not believe that you as warriors of today feel any better understood by society than those of you who served as warriors in Vietnam. The combination of fear, social rejection and hero worship of civilians further alienates you from meaningful connection and makes you feel even more like ghosts who have no place in society.
My purpose is grounded in the understanding that you - as the Warrior you are - are an irreplaceable asset to society. The things that you mourn in your transition from the military are also peak life experiences that have allowed you to gain insights into things most people will never touch – the kind of love between those who would give their lives for each other, without hesitation. The deep bond of trust that cannot - and need not - be put into words. The sense of being totally and completely linked up with others and an irreplaceable part of something bigger than yourself. Warriors in ancient societies came back from war and filled the roles of Statesmen and Leaders within society. You have invaluable wisdom and life experience to share precisely because you have touched and witnessed things that are sacred about the nature of life and death.
When you transition out of the military, you will feel stripped of your identity. You may feel burned to the ground. You may go through a wasteland in your mind, feeling aimless and without purpose and direction. These changes must be grieved, but this is not a death. Who you are as a Warrior is deeper than what you did during the service. For many, the call to be a Warrior comes well before you actively entered the military. Some of you may have discovered your identity as a Warrior during your time in service. Maybe your Warrior spirit even took you by surprise when it fully bloomed, but either way, it has always been a part of who you are, not something to kill off and leave behind.
As you walk through this wasteland, this is not a battle to take on by yourself. A Warrior who thinks he is a sole operator does not last long in a battle. The true genius of combat Warriors does not lie in their individual capacity as warfighters, but in their ability to wordlessly sync their efforts to take out the enemy. And this time of transition out of the military, while it involves grief, is not a death – it is, in fact, the next crucible that must be used to evolve you further as a Warrior.
The time when you transition out of the military is a high stakes time. Your demons may pursue you – sometimes relentlessly. They may tell you things like:
“You will never belong like you did with your brothers in arms,”
“You will never feel as good as you did, ever again, no matter what you do,”
“If your loved ones really knew you, they’d know you are a monster…and you will become this monster no matter what you do,”
“You will never be a good husband or dad” (At one time, I asked a group of combat Marines to tell me about the deepest, most dangerous whispers they hear from the voice of despair. Attacking them as fathers was a very strong theme. This makes sense because as Warriors, you are protectors, so this kind of attack cuts to the core of your identity).
"You are broken and a burden to those who love you,"
“You failed to protect (insert one or more fellow Warriors) so you can’t protect anyone.”
"You are a threat to your family's safety - take yourself out now!"
These thoughts of despair will ambush you when you are not with your Tribe, often while you are transitioning from your time in the service.
To make it through this crucible during your transition out of the military, you must be able to:
1) Reconnect with your Warrior Code. Whatever values you held as sacred are still sacred. These you must continue to honor and protect. You must continue to aspire to these, even amid setbacks that burn you with the feeling of shame. As you move forward, it is vital to make the connection that the people and sacred values that you would have died for are the very things that you can commit to live for. This will help you re-align your life with your Warrior Code and find your way out of the wasteland. Your Warrior Code is your moral core.
2) Directly address any challenges that are obstacles to your growth. The hard thing is to stand without armor – to admit your struggles and talk openly - with those worthy of your trust - about the secrets that can kill. The guilt that infects you like a cancer over time, until you are overrun by shame. The blinding rage that can overwhelm you at times. The gut-wrenching grief that can bring you to your knees. With the support of those in your Tribe and a trusted “Doc” who can become an extension of your Tribe, even your grief can be a catalyst for post-traumatic growth.
3) Re-form your Tribe. Your Tribe must transform along with you. It is critical to stay connected to the Tribe you served with. The wasteland that may come during transition out of the military will present itself at other times in your life as well. Your brothers and sisters in arms keep you plugged into a rich history of life experiences that have shaped you and them. They can remind me of who are you within the fog of this internal war. But you also must take risks to extend your trust to those at home – your homefront Tribe. With them, you must also summon the courage to stand without armor, which may be harder than to walk into an ambush in the combat zone. But these relationships can be life-saving and can help you find a path of trust, meaning, and purpose in your next evolution as a Warrior.
The Warrior spirit is about something much deeper than combat operations. You were effective in combat because of the deeper qualities that were developed in you during your time in the military. As the author and Marine Richard Strozzi-Heckler has said, “The urgent calling of nature longs to be tested, seeks to be challenged beyond itself. The Warrior within us beseeches Mars, the god of War, to deliver us to that crucial battlefield that will redeem us into the terrifying immediacy of that moment. We want to face our Goliath, so we may be reminded that the Warrior David is still alive, in us. We pray to the War Gods to guide us to the walls of Jericho so we may dare the steadfastness and strength of our trumpet call. We aspire to be defeated in by powers so much greater than ourself, that the defeat itself will have made us larger than when we arrived. We long for the encounter that will ultimately empower us with dignity and honor.” (In Search of the Warrior Spirit, p. 208-209).
Being a Warrior is ultimately about developing self-mastery and protecting the values you would die for. As Steven Pressfield, a Marine Corps Veteran and author of many wonderful books, including Gates of Fire and The Warrior Ethos writes: “The Warrior Ethos is not, at bottom, a manifestation only of male aggression or of the masculine will to dominance. Its foundation is society-wide” (The Warrior Ethos, p. 6).
During your transition out of the military, it is about gathering a new Tribe around you and turning your iron will inward to face off against all enemies that would take you out. You need to evolve because of what you have to offer to our society, a unique insight into the kind of love and trust that can help our society break out of the shallow material ways in which we live. It’s not the easy path, but that's why you were made to be a Warrior.
