How Shame and Guilt Impact Relationships

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Guilt and shame are emotions that are often conflated with one another, but affect people very differently. In Daring Greatly (2015), author and researcher Brene Brown distinguished between shame and guilt, noting that the former is when a person believes “I am bad” and the latter believes “I did something bad.” Shame is the emotion experienced when a person believes that they are unworthy. It becomes part of their identity, as it is internalized. Guilt, on the other hand, is when a person acknowledges that they did something wrong. This is external to the self, and instead is related to an action they took or a decision they made.

Both of these emotions extend beyond the individual experiencing them and can affect relationships. Below are examples that highlight how shame and guilt can affect relationships.

Guilt

Guilt can positively or negatively impact a relationship. Take for example hypothetical couple Kim and David, who have been together for two years. David has been really busy at work, and because of that has spent most of his time with Kim writing emails on his phone or distracted by notifications of incoming messages instead of connecting with her. The experience of guilt may enable David to take accountability. Feeling guilty as a result of his inability to spend quality time with Kim, he promises her that they will plan upcoming phone-free dates where they spend time connecting. On the other hand, David may carry the guilt with him, and after getting further bogged down by work, may turn away from Kim. Instead of the guilt enabling a repair, David may become defensive when Kim shares that she feels as if they are disconnected. If the feeling of guilt is addressed in a way that enables reflection and change, it can bring the two of them together. If instead, the guilt is met by defensiveness, it can further push the two of them apart.

Shame

While guilt can have a positive or negative outcome, shame most often adversely affects relationships. Being that shame affects how the person views themselves, it can cause them to pull away from their partner, eroding the connection. An example of David experiencing shame within his relationship may manifest as him believing that he is not a good partner. This could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. If he already believes that he is unable to show up for Kim, he may not even bother trying. He may engage in self-sabotaging behaviors such as pushing Kim away and/or distancing himself, as he honestly believes that he is not enough.

A person who experiences shame in relationships may believe that they cannot show up in the way that their partner needs or that they are undeserving of love. This can be very detrimental, as it may result in them staying in a toxic relationship due to the belief that they cannot do or do not deserve better.

It is important to note that guilt and shame are not mutually exclusive. A person who feels guilty may internalize the actions they take and start to feel shame. The major difference is that guilt can lead a person to repair the relationship, whereas shame often causes a person to distance themselves. Both emotions are complicated, but if addressed through compassionate and open conversation between partners, can be acknowledged and addressed. This can lead to greater empathy for one another and a closer connection.