What to Do When Moving into Your Partner’s Living Space

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Moving in with your partner is an exciting time. You already have shared memories and experiences and now will be sharing a physical space. What sometimes presents a problem is when a partner moves into a space that was once inhabited by the current partner’s ex. Moving into anyone’s space can create a period of readjustment, but moving into a space that your partner shared with an ex-loved one can trigger a sense of anxiety and insecurity.

Consider a couple, Vanessa and Dan, who have been together for two years. They have decided to cohabitate, and Vanessa will be moving into Dan’s apartment. His rent is low, the space is large, it is centrally located to both of their jobs, and is in a great spot for nightlife and restaurants. Moving into his space makes sense, especially as costs recently went up in their community, making the process of finding a different apartment in the same area near impossible. The only drawback to the apartment is that Dan shared it with his ex-wife of three years. She moved out over five years ago, but Vanessa can’t help but feel that she is walking into another couple’s space and wonders what type of memories this apartment holds for Dan. Even though she loves the apartment, she often finds herself thinking about Dan's relationship history.

Below are some helpful tips when a situation like this occurs:

Share your feelings. Even though Vanessa may feel that her feelings are irrational, they are not. Her feelings are her feelings, and she should share them with Dan. If she were to keep them quiet, she might find herself subconsciously resenting him for the relationship he had with his ex or jumping to conclusions about the influence the past relationship and apartment-related memories have on their current relationship. Letting Dan in on her inner world will help bring them closer, create a shared understanding, and alleviate some of Vanessa’s anxiety.

Discuss ways to make the apartment your own. Vanessa and Dan are beginning a new chapter in their relationship and their apartment can reflect that. They may want to discuss ways to design it. It is possible that the current apartment doesn’t even represent Dan, as his ex may have been the one to have decorated it. This need not be a costly or time-consuming full remodel, but rather may involve having input on new color schemes, furniture items, and wall decorations. Vanessa and Dan may want to begin by putting pictures up of the two of them and then picking accents and decorations that capture their interests and personalities. This need not feel like a chore but can provide them with fun date-night activities for the next several weeks.

Clinical psychologist Debi Warner discusses in her book Renovation Psychology: Putting the Home Team to Work that renovations involve a great deal of communication, decision-making, teamwork and organization skills, as well as the ability to handle failure. Re-doing an apartment can put your relationship to the test.

Redecorating your space can also be empowering. It gives you the opportunity to focus on what you want your space to look like and to figure out how it can be functional for you. This also enables you and your partner to problem-solve ways to capture both of your aesthetics and preferences. Take the time to really think about what is important to you, both individually and as a couple, and how you want that reflected in your shared home.