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Alcoholism
Have You Been Drinking More Than Usual?
Your kids are watching.
Posted August 11, 2021 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
These sure are challenging times. I hear from friends and clients that many have been turning to "vices" a little more than usual. If this applies to you, I’m not judging you; I want to help you, which in turn should help your children. You see, after 30 years of working with children, I can confidently say: Your kids are watching.
They see you reach for the large bottle of vodka you keep under the sink, tucked behind the granite cleaner and the dish towels. They see you take out a new bottle of wine from the fridge, open it, and pour yourself a large glass to sip on as you prepare dinner. They see you pop a breath mint or piece of gum in your mouth before their friend’s parents come to pick up their child. And they even know that you probably shouldn’t be drinking and then driving the carpool.
Kids see and hear you even when you don’t think they are within earshot. They develop strategies to navigate your drinking behaviors, such as staying away from you after you have had your second or third glass.
It is a scary and confusing time for many adults and children. No matter how hard a parent tries to hide their drinking, the very act of trying to hide it creates a disconnect in their relationship.
When reaching for that glass of wine or cocktail to relax at the end of the day becomes a crutch, it’s time to pay attention. No one will deny the many challenges facing families, including dealing with the fear of getting sick, losing a job, losing loved ones, and kids losing precious education time or losing socialization skills. Let’s face it: There has been an overwhelming amount of loss.
Many have struggled with feeling down, hopelessness, and even increased anxiety. At the same time, heavy drinking among women has soared.
Kaiser Permanente researched why people drink, and it reported that men typically drink for pleasure, while women typically drink to cope with stress — which makes them more likely to develop an alcohol problem. [1]
The medical community needs better assessment and to make getting help more appealing and inviting. But that is just part of it.
Women and their partners, friends, and family need to stop turning a blind eye to drinking. If you or someone you love is turning to wine, hard seltzer, or mixed drinks to cope, there is lots of help available.
And remember, getting help for an alcohol problem, anxiety, or depression isn’t just for you, but also for your kids. Because they are watching.
Parents have asked me if it is best to try to shield their children from their drinking problem. The answer depends on the family, but I lean to the side of talking rather than keeping secrets. Especially because if kids are older than 6 or 7, there is a very good chance they know that mommy or daddy is “different” after they drink.
I remember when 7-year-old “Abigail” told me that mommy put special juice in her water bottle before going to the pool. Abigail shared that mommy is funny and laughs a lot when she drinks her juice.
This might sound harmless, but kids need to feel safe. This is a primary need. A parent’s job is to show up and be present. You don’t have to be perfect, but you need to be able to focus, concentrate, tune in, be flexible, and trust your own instincts. Alcohol, especially in significant amounts, impedes judgement and response, not to mention that it’s hard to connect with someone who is buzzed.
A child, especially a young child, is affected when a parent's behaviors change: Why does mommy not pay attention to me? Why is daddy more interested in reading his phone than playing with me? Why does mom fall asleep as soon as she starts reading a book?
We all know you don’t need a cocktail to have those situations occur, but it is fair to say that they are more likely when you have consumed a few drinks. And those situations affect the emotional health of your child.
There is a variety of help available, and it is as unique and diverse as you are. I would suggest that you have an honest conversation with yourself and then your partner or good friend. Talk to your doctor or therapist, as well.
Also, try an experiment: Try not drinking any alcohol for a few days or a week and evaluate how you feel. Can you go another week, or another month?
Remember: You are not alone. You deserve to get assistance.
