Addiction: No Operating Manual

I was shocked the first time I suspected that my adult son abused drugs. For a long time, I denied this painful reality. But after a series of crises, including criminal charges, I could no longer avoid the truth. I felt ashamed, confused, overwhelmed, and, fearful. Very fearful. Nothing had prepared me for this unwelcomed reality. There’s no instruction manual on how to deal with a loved one who abuses substances. I had a lot to learn about both addiction and my reactions to my son’s disease.

Here are a few hard lessons learned.

Accept. In the Serenity Prayer one asks for guidance “to accept the things I cannot change.” It took me many years to put this request into practice. I wasted a lot to time and energy trying to change my son when, in fact, there was nothing that I could do or say to make him stop abusing drugs unless he was ready to do so. Once I truly accepted the situation I worked hard to stop nagging, fixing, manipulating, pleading, crying, and carrying on like some pitiful martyr. This change in my behavior wasn’t easy and I still fall back into negative ways of acting and thinking. But I’m less hard on myself when I do.

Educate. There’s been an ongoing debate on whether or not substance abuse is a disease or moral failing. Research on the brain has provided new insights into the disease model. According to neuroscientist and former drug abuser, Judith Grisel, “While in the end there might be as many different paths to addiction as there are addicts, there are general principles of brain function that underlie all compulsive use.” Moreover, she writes, “Understanding the mechanisms behind every addict’s experiences makes it very clear that short of death or long-term sobriety there is no way to quell the screaming need between exposures” (link). For those of us who do not abuse drugs, it’s difficult to fathom this insatiable need. Recently, I talked with two young women in recovery who had lost custody of their young children. When I asked why they kept using, they said that when they were withdrawing from drugs, they felt as if they were dying.

Empathize. It’s hard to feel compassion for a loved one who steals, manipulates, shouts, pouts, shuts down and refuses to stop abusing drugs no matter how much harm he causes himself or how much pain he inflicts on his family and friends. Let’s face it. It’s hard to love addicts. And it’s harder still to stop trying to fix them. Educating myself about the disease of addiction has helped me feel more compassion for my son and more willing to provide support when he was ready to seek help. Learning how to communicate in more effective ways has helped improve our relationship (link). And sharing my journey with others has helped me heal. Although there isn’t one instruction manual to help family and friends cope with addiction, there are many resources available (link). Seek them out and decide what works best for you.