Revisiting Those Holiday Blues

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Every year as the holiday season approaches, I have to gear up to not get down. Like many others whose family members abuse substances, this isn’t “the most wonderful time of the year”. In fact, it can be downright depressing. And I’m not alone. Many in my recovery community struggle with holiday blues and burnout. In fact, it’s a hot topic during our December meetings.

Consider what we’re up against: a barrage of media images online and on TV featuring happy families embellishing their homes with lovely decorations; families trimming the tree, hanging stockings, opening expensive presents, and gathering to share a family feast. A mountain of holiday gift catalogs arriving daily. Even after the Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, and Cypher Monday shop-a-tons, we ’re encouraged to take advantage of additional “before” Christmas sales. Buy, buy, spend, spend, rush, rush to bake those cookies, hang those outdoor lights, choose those perfect gifts (and mail them on time), and send those holiday cards. It can be exhausting, even for those who aren’t dealing with family heartache and trauma. So unless you want to spend the next month in a royal funk, it pays to be vigilant.

My husband died on Christmas Day. A suicide related to alcohol abuse. Even now twenty-two years later, I still need to be cautious during the month of December. Although I miss him, I choose to not revisit scenes from that tragic day. And now that my adult son is in recovery, I don’t need to dwell on his past behavior or worry about what might happen in the future. Funny how old wounds can surface and new wounds can fester during this time of year.

Here are a few suggestions that have worked for me to help cope with the holiday blues.

1. Keep it simple.

Don’t get caught up in the rush to get everything done and have everything “perfect”. Bake if you like, shop if you like, decorate if you like. The operative phrase here is “if you like”. Hit the brakes on overdoing, overscheduling, overspending, and over-projecting worse case scenarios. Remember “no expectations equals no resentments.” Consider ways to lighten your load. (I recently donated several large boxes of unused Christmas decorations which included heaps of tangled light sets.) Does it really matter if you fail to string outdoor lights on every surface of your front yard? Does it really matter if you purchase cookies, cakes, and pies instead of baking them yourself? Does it really matter if you “re-gift” knowing that the recipient would like the item that doesn’t appeal to you?

2. Prepare for Difficult Situations

What can you do if a loved one starts to act out at a holiday gathering? You can walk away, take a few deep breaths, recite the serenity (or other) prayer silently, or call a trusted friend or sponsor (if you have one). Phrases like, “You might be right…” or “Hum, you may have a point, let me think about it” could deflect a potential argument. Choose not to play your loved one’s games. Remain calm. Easy does it. And what if your loved one bails out of holiday festivities? Consider alternate plans. For example, for several years after my husband’s death, I volunteered to serve Christmas dinner at a local women’s shelter.

3. Don’t Compare.

It’s difficult to not compare when you receive those annual holiday letters and photos from well-meaning family and friends chronicling a year’s worth of spectacular news. You know the letter that tells you: the daughter was admitted to Harvard, the son and daughter-in-law had their first baby boy, the husband completely remodeled the kitchen (all by himself), the friend had her first book published and the family will gather in Vail to ski and make merry and share photos on Facebook and Instagram. (In a Smithsonian article on holiday letters it was noted that the leading topic is travel, followed by professional accomplishments, the kid’s academic achievements, and material possessions. Just remember that “comparison kills joy,” and try not to go there. Comparison is just a cover for wallowing in self-pity. Don’t stay in that place for too long.

4. Take Care of Yourself

Much of the time we’re so focused on our loved one’s problems that we fail to take care of ourselves. In fact, self-care is an essential part of recovery and represents a significant change in our attitude and behavior. Instead of worrying about, obsessing over, and trying to fix our loved ones, we look after ourselves. So try to maintain a healthy routine: get regular exercise, enough sleep, celebrate but try to not overindulge in holiday treats. Make time for yourself. Meditate if you’re so inclined. Keep the spotlight on yourself and dim it down on your loved one.

The priest at my church conducts an annual service of solace. The announcement for this event reads, “A Christmas service for people for whom Christmas will not be a happy time.” Although the holiday season may not be joyful, it need not drag you down. Keep it simple, prepare, don’t compare and take care.