Have You Ever Felt Like a Misfit?

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Growing up, did you ever feel like you didn't fit in with your classmates? Or weren't in tune with the neighborhood kids? That, in general, you couldn’t relate very well to your peers? Or that you couldn’t get them to understand you, or be as warm and friendly toward you as you needed them to be?

If any of these depictions reflect your past experience, how do you think that affected your self-esteem?

As a therapist, over the years, hundreds of clients I’ve worked with have shared times in their life when they felt out of step with those around them. And in almost all instances, they felt embarrassed, ashamed, isolated, or lonely—as though they were square pegs trying futilely to fit into a round hole. Certainly, there are people (usually outright people-oriented extroverts) who seem capable of fitting in with almost anybody. But doubtless, for the rest of us, there have been situations where we felt distressingly out of sync with our surroundings.

The point I’d like to make here is that although we might assume that misfits are weird, oddball creatures so deviant from the rest of us that they can’t adequately connect with others, the frustrating experience of feeling uncomfortably out of place is well-nigh universal. And that has less to do with our personal peculiarities than being faced with social norms and conventions incompatible with our nature and ideals.

In short, on one measure or another—or at one time or another—we’ve all been misfits or outsiders. There are so many dimensions on which we can differ from others that it would be impossible for this situation to be otherwise. We may simply be unable to espouse or adapt to certain community models of “right” or “correct” conduct. Still, as one writer paying tribute to our individuality argues: “[In a] society that wants us to give up the misfit identity and merge with the common consensus, being a misfit is a very good quality” (Mandy X, n..d., “Are You a Misfit?”).

Moreover, some of those who appear to fit in may actually be faking it. Take this poignant example:

I never fit in. I was awkward. I couldn’t figure out what the right thing to say was. I didn’t understand what to wear or how. I was seldom invited to parties.

There was one girl... who always made fun of me. She was a bully. She wasn’t violent or aggressive, but she was cruel. I was afraid of her.

One day not too long ago, this same girl reached out through social media. Her note [in Spanish]... went something like this:

“Dushka, I haven't seen you in over thirty years. I think of you often, your intelligence and how comfortable you were with yourself. It was like you were above the effort I had to make to remain popular. I wished I was more like you.” (Dushka Zapata, 08/29/13, “How Does It Feel to Be a Misfit?”)

This illustration suggests something of the far-ranging insecurity of adolescence, and how it can be so successfully masked that others are unable to detect it. But though most people would shy away from making such a candid confession, if they're finally willing to admit such underlying self-doubts, their labored charade becomes transparent.

Fundamental Qualities of the Misfit

As has by now been pointed out, there are two distinct kinds of misfits: those who diligently try to emulate others to fit in, but can’t, and those more rebellious individuals who make no such attempt (e.g., see Michael Blann, 03/22/18, “Social Misfit Definition and Examples”). That is, with the latter constituents, it’s their conscious choice to go their own way because they’ve developed the courage or resilience to reject the societal or cultural norms followed by the mainstream.

Nonetheless, it’s likely that before these more independent misfits determined to march to the beat of their own drum, they did strive to follow others’ lead—until, that is, they recognized its futility, as well as how their disingenuous attempts compromised their integrity.

Another qualification that should be added here is that the term “misfit” is more subjective and culturally determined than most people realize. A misfit in one culture may not be perceived that way in another. And beyond that, it’s quite possible to be “charmed” by another’s eccentricities, versus being offended by them (although if that’s true of you, you might just be another “misfit”!).

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Anyhow, here are some key characteristics of those typically regarded as misfits (some of which have been adapted from Mike Bundrant’s “21 Characteristics of Smart, Anxious Misfits,” 11/12/15):

• They’re passionate about things, but not those of widespread interest or meaning to others.
• They tend to be more sensitive and creative than most conforming individuals.
• Their (relatively few) friends also tend to be misfits. Perhaps by default, they’re likely to hang out with others who, like themselves, can’t effectively blend in with the more popular types, who in turn keep their distance from them as too odd or offbeat to befriend.
• They’re unable to relate to various institutional principles and practices, which they perceive as illogical, alien, or inappropriate.
• They’re usually introverted and more asocial (i.e., not sociable or gregarious) than anti-social. They don’t enjoy gossiping, small talk, or “schmoozing” for the sole sake of schmoozing.
• They’re prone to social anxiety (which generally began in early childhood and, over time, has never totally dissipated).
• They may try, or have been encouraged to try, to show more interest in others, but because of their discrepant personalities, very few people hold that much attraction for them.
• Until they can accept that they were never meant to fit in with the general public and that their anomalies are perfectly OK, they tend to battle with self-image deficits and, too, a denigrating sense of undeservingness.

The Misfit’s Challenges—and How They Can Be Overcome

As already suggested, most misfits try to emulate those in the “in-group,” but it’s generally half-hearted, for their primary desire is less to fit in with them than to be accepted and respected by them. They’d prefer to be seen as separate but equal, and worthy of being treated kindly.

Yet such a positive reception doesn’t typically occur, because their marked differences make more “normal” individuals uneasy, and at times vaguely threatened by them. After all, the misfit’s much more inwardly directed “presence” implies a certain negation of their more conformist predilections and ideals.

More importantly, a misfit’s misguided efforts at conformity prevent them from being true to their authentic self. And that makes their struggles to be approved of by the mainstream both futile and wrongheaded. For trying to acclimate to norms incompatible with their essential nature is done at the expense of their unconditional self-acceptance—their freely embracing not only who they are, but also who they are not.

Misfits need to learn that they have as much reason to be proud of themselves as anyone else, despite the world’s inability, or unwillingness, to appreciate and understand their uniqueness. But the good news here is that as most misfits mature, putting their childhood and adolescent insecurities behind them, they become decreasingly concerned with how closely their thoughts and behaviors mirror popular prejudices. Rather than focus on blending in with others, they become more aware of what their particular life goals require of them and make realizing these intentions their highest priority (e.g., see Lidia Yuknavitch, The Misfit’s Manifesto, 2017, and her TED talk, 2016).

Moving beyond their earlier self-disapproval based on not fitting in with others, they gradually transition toward accepting who, independently, they are and—as a result of nature and nurture—have always been. In fact, with the majority of clients I’ve worked with, their principal goal (whether, initially, they recognized it or not) was to be helped to affirm their core identity and inherent value, even though in the past, mainly because of their idiosyncratic behaviors, they received little or no external confirmation of their worth. Misfits possess their own (generally uncommon) gifts, and all too frequently they’ve failed to grasp or pay adequate tribute to them.

What’s required is that misfits stop comparing themselves to others. Finally, what matters most is that they come to accept, and even embrace, themselves for the non-conforming outsiders they are. Like everyone else, they need to come to terms with—and even celebrate—all that distinguishes them from others.

After all, why would anyone choose to be just like others anyway? Sure, it’s important to learn how to relate to those dissimilar to ourselves comfortably. But that hardly implies a need to forfeit our uniqueness just to “homogenize” with those supposedly more “normal” than we are.

Once misfits discover their purpose in life, it will no longer feel all that significant that they don’t fit in. For they’ll now be living a life of integrity, at their discretion to reveal who they are on a regular basis. And when that happens, it will no longer concern them who, or how many, people want to befriend them.

For—at long last—they will, unreservedly, have befriended themselves.

© 2019 Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.