The Gratitude Letter: Note Your Thanks

People are not always sincere when uttering the two words, thank you. It is a simple reflex to text Ty or say much appreciated when you desire to be polite in social circles. This happened the other day as I was sitting in line at a coffee shop drive-through, a wait that turned out to take over half an hour. When I finally made my way to the cashier window, even the server seemed less than enthusiastic with the barrage of early morning customers and the relentless exchange between cash and a bag of donut holes. I can tell you that mockery was not my intention when I curtly whispered “Thanks.” After all, both the retail worker and I got the short end of the stick and we both had good reasons to be irritated with the process involved in this so-called quick-serve restaurant. Without much thought, I hurried a less-than-sincere gesture of acknowledgment, causing me to push forward and produce a chain reaction of automobiles creeping along the long queue.

Luckily, there are other times I am deliberate and thoughtful in noting my thanks when it is wholly due. I find myself saying thank you, and genuinely meaning it. For example, I remember one day getting the front carriage of my convertible stuck on a cement curb in a parking lot. It was late in the evening, I was alone, and I reluctantly called a lovely couple I know for much-needed help to scrape the front end of the car out of this mess. They traveled some distance to my rescue without hesitation, and, naturally, I expressed sincere thanks – several times, to be exact. I was warm towards my comrades who made a big difference in how I felt and what I did next.

The Gratitude Letter

Therapists like me have helped clients restore calm and peace in life by way of noting one's appreciation for special people and loved ones. Writing a gratitude letter to someone who has made a positive impact on your life is a powerful way to stay mindful (Seligman, 2011). The actions and attitude of the person you have thought about do not have to be extraordinary. That special person could have had a positive effect on you in more than one way. Because this person left you feeling good, it is therapeutic to bring this feeling to your consciousness. The actual process of writing a letter of thanks helps you take the perspective of another, it allows you to show care and love, and it pushes you to be courageous for showcasing your private thoughts. Believe it or not, beneficial effects occur even when you go through the effort of crafting the letter but never actually sending it to the recipient.

Daily Journal Entries

A daily journaling exercise is another way to help you achieve a positive frame of mind. The mindfulness strategy I share with clients involves putting one’s immediate reflections about what makes them happy onto paper. It is similar to The Three Good Things exercise from positive psychology, which I will explain first as a reference point. Then I will show how the Happiness Practice slightly differs. Try one or both strategies for yourself.

The Three Good Things Activity. In this exercise, you are being asked to find the good in your life. Find good things even when there is adversity or when nothing obvious or materialistic is benefitting you. The procedure is simple and as follows:

1. Jot down on paper three things that went well in your life today.
2. Say a little about how you helped to make good things happen to you today.
3. Try to do this exercise at nighttime before bed. Thinking about positive events will help relax you and contribute to better sleep.

The positive outcomes of this strategy are supported by empirical research. When clients with depression practiced The Three Good Things activity each day for two consecutive weeks, they ended up reporting fewer depressive symptoms, lower burnout scores, and higher levels of happiness (Sexton & Adair, 2019).

The Happiness Practice. This is my favorite journaling activity, also intended to elicit positive feelings in clients. In the Happiness Practice, you are asked to find a quiet, personal space and then use a pen and paper to record three items that made you happy or grateful. (For details, read Chapter 9 of my book Alone Time. Embracing Solitude for Health and Well-Being.) Instructions are as follows:

1. Jot down on paper three things that made you feel happy or grateful today.
2. For each item, give a brief explanation (point form is fine) for why it made you happy or grateful.
3. Each day choose a different time of day to record your items. For example, today, you might note your thanks mid-morning, whereas tomorrow you might try the exercise right after dinner. Next time you might want to make the task more challenging by noting three things that made you happy when you first wake up and start a fresh pot of coffee.

In this exercise, you are being asked to note your thanks without trying to figure out how you personally contributed to those positive outcomes. Another big difference between this exercise and The Three Good Things activity is that I encourage you to choose a different time each day to note your thanks, not just at nighttime. You might be thinking it is impossible to come up with three positive items first thing in the morning, but this is what you should strive for. I challenge my clients and you to stay mindful of all that is good in your life right now – in the moment.

Gratitude Essential Reads

Gratitude Reconsidered: Thankfulness Is More Than a Warm Feeling

G-Force Living: How to Accelerate Your Well-Being

Practice Makes Better

Are these strategies simple to do for everyone? Not always. It is harder to record good things if you are feeling sad, unhopeful, or interpreting events largely in a negative way. Clients with chronic depression or Major Depressive Disorder have difficulty coming up with just one single item for my daily Happiness Practice. Imagine how taxing it is for depressed clients to find good things in their lives when they are constantly looking at the world through grey-colored glasses. Depressed people are simply being honest when they say that nothing in their lives is making them feel grateful.

But this is even more reason why practice is needed. Over time, one starts to notice the smaller things in day-to-day life that give meaning. By staying in the moment in a non-judgmental way — and taking this approach day after day — it should be easier to observe simple things and think less about material goods. With practice, we have a better chance of coming up with things we often neglect and customarily take advantage of but that we really ought to be aware of.

Appreciating friendships.

Source: S. Geldart

Here are three of my own items for today. Then, it's your turn to try the Happiness Practice. Keep it up daily so that you too will gain a (more) positive outlook on life.

Three Things That Made Me Happy Today

• I had dinner with a friend, Ramaswamy. He was happy to share what he’s been up to, which made me feel special.
• My son asked for help on his college application; mom is proud (not to mention relieved!) that he worked on an important goal.
• I was lucky to have taken a breath of air just now. My breathing was effortless and deep; made me grateful that I am healthy.