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Key points
- Misreading good intentions leads to pain.
- It's often better to ascribe benevolent intention to people's actions.
- It's OK to have deep, meaningful conversations with complete strangers.
Yesterday, I joined the gardeners’ frenzy and visited a popular local nursery. Little did I know that I would have one of the most meaningful conversations I’ve had in a long time with a complete stranger. Magical moments often appear serendipitously.
I parked my cart filled with plants in an aisle hoping to leave enough room for people to pass me. When I noticed a woman using a wheelchair coming toward me, I immediately said to her, “If I’m in your way, I will be happy to move my cart.” She thought for a moment, scooted her wheelchair around my cart, and in a very sarcastic way, said, “Imagine that! I can move around your cart all by myself! Can you believe that? I can move in my wheelchair without your help!”
Her sarcasm took my breath away because I was simply trying to be kind. Recovering from the sting of her comment, I instantly decided I was going to have a conversation with her and ask her if I had insulted her. Before I could say a word, she came over to me and said, “Do you mind if I ask you a genuine question?” to which I replied, “I don’t mind at all; as a matter of fact, I have a question for you!”
She shared with me that using a wheelchair was something new for her, and she found it disturbing that, in her view, people overreacted to her being in a wheelchair, constantly asking if she needed help or if she wanted them to hold the door for her, and so on. She said that their gestures made her think that these people believe that she is incompetent or feeble. She found it to be very insensitive.
I listened to her examples of what she perceived to be people’s rudeness, and when she was done, I asked her to listen carefully to me. I shared with her that 5 minutes prior to our exchange, I had been in a different aisle and when an able-bodied woman approached me, I said exactly the same thing to her that I had said to the woman using the wheelchair—“If I’m in your way, I can move my cart.”
I added, “My offering to get out of her way had nothing to do with her being in a wheelchair—she wasn’t—nor did it have anything to do with my belief that she was unable to get around me on her own accord. I was just trying to be kind and considerate. The same was true for you. My offer to move my cart had nothing to do with your being in a wheelchair, you’re incompetence, or anything about you at all. It was my way of trying to be thoughtful about you negotiating your way around me in a crowded nursery. I was trying to be nice. And when you said what you did, it took my breath away because I felt misunderstood.”
I could tell by the look on her face that she was really listening to me, but went on to say, “Still, I know people are trying to be nice, but they don’t have to bend over backward. It’s too much.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but I want to tell you something else. When people say or do things to me, I always try to understand their motivation. If I think they’re trying to be nice, I do whatever I can to appreciate their efforts. If you always get annoyed when people are trying to be nice, you’re going to be upset all the time because there are a lot of nice and caring people in the world. And anticipating others being insensitive when they offer to help isn’t a great way to be in the world because it will rob you of joy."
I saw a glimmer in her eye. She said, ‘You know, you’re probably right. I appreciate that you’re having this conversation with me.”
And then I added, “Plus, if you regularly feel badly about others when their intentions are good, that’s got to be terrible for your immune system!” And she replied, “Oh, I have so many medical conditions. I just got diagnosed with Lyme disease.” She added, “You’re absolutely right. I can’t thank you enough for having this conversation with me.”
I told her two things: I thanked her for initiating the conversation with me because I had intended to reach out to her. Secondly, I told her that she picked a good person to have the conversation with because I am a therapist. She shrieked with delight and said, “Wow, I have my private therapist right here in the nursery!
We laughed, thanked each other once more, and she told me she had to go find her husband who must have wondered where she had been for the last 20 minutes. I did one more loop around the tomato plants to make sure my shopping list had been completed.
Little did that woman know that it was I who was the lucky one because of our chance encounter. Being able to touch her soul touched mine in ways she will never know.
