When Therapy Doesn't Feel Safe

Therapy provides us with a space where we can explore areas of our life that are specifically troublesome or talk about experiences we may have resisted looking at before. It is also where we develop trust in our therapist, so we feel safe enough to open up and let ourselves be vulnerable for change to happen.

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When therapy is ethical, we develop a feeling of expansion, a greater understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Our self-awareness grows. It can be challenging to reach this level of vulnerability where we can look at ourselves with honesty.

To keep us and our therapists safe, therapists are trained in the importance of professional, ethical boundaries that will help us achieve the change we hope for.

But how do we know if our experience of therapy is unethical? And what do we do if it is?

Identifying unethical therapy

Recognizing unethical therapy can be tricky: While we know that therapy needs to be a little challenging for us to benefit, we may not know which therapeutic challenges are ethical and which are not.

Here are some ideas to help identify unethical therapy:

• Therapeutic confidentiality is vital for us to have the confidence to express ourselves. The therapist will not talk with anyone other than their supervisor or peer group about us and our information.
• We feel encouraged and safe to express ourselves, to be open and honest. We should not feel diminished, bullied, or ignored, nor should we need to excuse the therapist’s behavior.
• Trust in our therapist is vital for successful therapy. We should not feel distrust of our therapist or begin to believe that we are unable to manage life without them.
• Unless it is part of the contract for therapy, we should generally not experience hugs or any other physical touch by the therapist. Even a handshake needs to be offered by us rather than the therapist.
• The sessions must be focused on us and our life. The only time a therapist should be revealing anything about themselves is if it directly benefits us or our situation.
• Just as the therapist expects us to be reliably on time and turn up with the intention to engage with therapy, so we should experience the same from the therapist.
• There should be no disturbances of phone calls, other people entering the room, eating food, or any other action that distracts the therapist.

If we were to summarize the professional boundaries, we would say that everything the therapist does needs to be with the best interests of the client in mind. In other words, their action and behavior will be to aid us in our development of skills and self-awareness.

How to manage the experience of unethical therapy

Managing unethical behavior in itself can be a challenge. In actuality, it is the therapist’s responsibility to manage the environment so we feel safe and able to talk about the deepest aspects of ourselves. We also need to bear in mind that the therapist might not be aware that we experienced their behavior as unethical. For that reason, there are three staged approaches we can take:

Talk with our therapist: Whatever we are experiencing, the first step is to talk with our therapist and be honest with them. Our experience could be partly why we are in therapy and could link to the issues we have brought.

Another reason to talk with the therapist is that therapists work in isolation, and the only direct feedback they get about their work is from us, the client. The therapist may not realize that what they are doing feels to us like unethical therapy. Talking about it is the first step, and an ethical therapist will welcome this conversation.

Removing ourselves from the situation: Depending on our experience, we might not feel safe going to another session. If the therapist has touched us, become verbally aggressive, or unnecessarily familiar in their inquiry, it can feel too unsafe to go back to challenge our therapist.

On the other hand, we might have tried to talk with them and either experienced hostility or that the behavior hasn’t changed. Our main responsibility, in this case, is to keep ourselves safe. In these circumstances, we can opt to write to our therapist, letting them know that we won’t be returning to therapy and giving the reason why.

Contact the association with which the therapist is a member: The only way a therapist’s member association will know if one of their therapists is working unethically is if their behavior is reported. Associations have procedures in place for managing reports of unethical behaviors, and they will talk with us about our experiences. They are also likely to take the matter further without us needing to come face-to-face with the therapist again. All the information we need to be able to report unethical behavior is on the association’s website.

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Avoiding unethical therapy

There are a couple of actions we can take that will minimize the chances of experiencing unethical therapy:

• Look for a therapist who is a member of one of the many associations for qualified and licensed therapists.
• Be aware of how to recognize unethical therapy and always talk with the therapist about our experiences relating to therapy.

Of course, unethical therapy is rare; the majority of therapists are conscientious and work hard to stay within the ethical guidelines. They want to see us getting better and ultimately will treat us with compassion and empathy.

If we feel uncertain about an experience during therapy, it is usually best to talk with our therapist. Often this creates a perfect opportunity to explore how we experience certain situations and can even shine a light on something we perhaps were unaware of. There is no doubt that there are more ethical therapists than unethical therapists.