The Danger of Hurried Child Syndrome

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Is this back-to-school season giving you or your kiddos the jitters?

If so, you’re not alone.

It's estimated that more than half of parents experience back-to-school as the *MOST* stressful time of year.

What's more, there's a buzzword phrase that is gaining serious traction because it resonates for so many of us, especially this time of year.

Considered to be one of the biggest reasons why we're seeing such a spike in anxiety in kids, it's called Hurried Child Syndrome. Originally developed by David Elkind, the idea is that we are putting children in situations that exceed their developmental capacity. In other words, we’re scheduling them like mini-adults without building in time for their relaxation, play, and dare I say, even boredom.

Part of the idea of Hurried Child Syndrome is that we are rushing our kids way too much. We're pushing them out the door, on to the next extracurricular or playdate, and never giving them time to just relax and BE KIDS.

Many of us have a visceral reaction to this concept because we remember our own parents hurrying us along.

Does this resonate for you?

So what are the hallmarks that your child could be suffering from Hurried Child Syndrome?

1. Struggling with sleep, poor eating habits, and not getting enough physical activity. If your child does not have adequate time to take care of their basic physical needs, these are red flags that they are overscheduled.

2. Stalled emotional development. They're not able to form close relationships, work through conflict, or sit with a slower pace because they’re constantly on the go. There’s no time to settle in and actually get close with others because that takes, well, time.

3. Feelings of unworthiness and obsession with achievement. Rather than focusing on the quality of their relationships, they're set on getting the gold star and earning love through ticked boxes and medals.

4. Inability to meaningfully relax. They may binge on YouTube or numb themselves in other ways (like with substances or scrolling) but quiet forms of relaxation, like reading a book or going for a walk feel like "pointless activities."

5. Expressing resentment and defiance toward parents. When our kids have been overexerted, they can lash out in their own ways to share their frustration. This can come out in procrastination, intentional rebellion, and pushback which only exacerbates the tension between parents and their kids.

What can parents do to shift this trend?

1. Give yourself twice as much time, and then some. Instead of hurrying, in the morning especially, give yourself extra buffer time and prep as much as you can the night before. This will allow you to actually connect with your kids before school, rather than focusing solely on shoving them out of the door.

2. Build in days where there isn't anything on the calendar (or at least fewer things on the calendar). Rather than book out every single day, intentionally carve out some days when we can either unwind a bit or creatively see where the day takes us. Instead of overbooking yourself with things you're not even excited about, say "no" so that you can have more unallocated time to simply be with your kids.

3. Learn how to sit with your own frustration and find different ways to communicate it. When we've been hurried ourselves, we can easily get agitated. This can come out in yelling, getting snappy, or turning steely. As adults, we have to work through our own response patterns so that we can respond calmly when our kids may be taking longer than we'd like.

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4. Know what you're good at and get help for the things that aren't your specialty. Rather than expecting perfection of yourself in all categories—cooking, crafting, prepping, teaching, and then some—be real with yourself about where you shine and don't shame yourself for what you need help with. If you're trying to do it all, you're going to be hurried yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Our kids benefit when they're learning from a multitude of people so see your delegation as a strength, rather than a shortcoming.

5. Check in with your kids about what they actually want to do. We can overprogram our kids so much but we need to check in with them about what they're enjoying and learning from. Rather than force those piano lessons or making them play soccer when their heart isn't into it, empower them to find activities that are meaningful.

Keeping these things in mind, be kind to yourself this school year ahead.

It’s not the end of the world if we can’t do it all sometimes. In fact, our world can open up in a whole new way when we do what we can when we can. It’s about quality, not quantity when it comes to our calendars, our schedules, and most importantly, our relationships.