A Quick Guide for Grandparenting

Grandpa Sleep

Source: Marjonhorn / Pixabay

As I write this, grandparenting is coming up as a misspelled word on my computer. This is actually an apt conundrum for the role of grandparents today, particularly in the United States. In other words, there is wide variation and some confusion regarding the role of grandparents.

Fortunately, the word does exist in Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. Still, the provided definition will not clarify the job description very much: “the activity of being a grandparent.” So, what exactly does being a grandparent mean?

While the role is not universal, since there is wide variance by culture and family, there are some commonalities that I have found in my work as a psychologist. I would like to pose some questions to you in the hopes of encouraging you to clarify the role as it exists in your own family. This article is directed toward grandparents but can be extremely useful for their adult children as well.

What Type of Grandparent Are You?

Cherlin and Furstenberg, trailblazers in the understanding of a grandparent’s role, outlined three basic types of grandparents.

• Remote: Rarely see their grandchildren. May live far away but are also distant emotionally.
• Companionate: Prefer to do fun things with their grandchildren but do not take an active role in raising them.
• Involved: Have frequent contact with the grandchildren and play an active role in their life and development.

In my clinical practice, I have the benefit of treating the full spectrum of the life cycle. In other words, I work with the grandparents, the parents, and often the grandchildren. In this way, I have worked with all sorts of families. Just as grandparenting style varies, so do the needs of each family.

It is important to consider financial constraints on childcare, divorced or widowed status, and the health and potential limitations of all involved. Families are complicated and roles may shift based on what is needed. I would encourage you to consider which type of grandparent you are and which you would prefer to be. Maybe there is a mismatch or a differing of expectations between you and your children.

Is the Relationship Helping the Grandparents?

Studies suggest that grandchildren can be both protective and stressful for grandparents. Moderate grandparenting tends to have a positive impact on the emotional well-being of the grandparents, as well as having some evidence of cognitive benefit. This is the good news.

If the grandparents take on a heavier, more full-time role, these benefits lessen, and some risks actually arise unless community-based support is introduced. This makes sense as it can be supposed that raising grandchildren can take its toll if grandparents feel isolated or overwhelmed by the job. If you find yourself in this latter category, it will be important to find support from your friends, neighbors, and community.

Is the Relationship Helping the Grandchildren?

A loving grandparent-grandchildren relationship is wonderful and special. Thus, not surprisingly, studies indicate that having caring grandparents involved in a child’s life is protective and additive. Specifics include reduced risk of depression and better coping with life events for those children.

Still, there are instances when grandparents may be detrimental in cases of substance abuse, extreme narcissism, or highly conflicting parenting styles. In these cases, the grandparents’ role must be considered carefully.

In summary, grandparents and grandchildren have a special relationship that can be fun, healthy, and mutually beneficial if the right questions are considered and the roles are approached with open, realistic eyes.