The Neurodivergent Struggle: Confidence or Just Another Mask?

What is the difference between masking and appearing confident?

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Masking happens when we hide our real feelings or behaviors to fit in with what society expects from us. It's especially common for neurodivergent people in environments that aren't naturally accommodating. Masking can look like forcing eye contact when it feels uncomfortable, mimicking social cues that don’t come naturally, or suppressing stimming behaviors (like fidgeting) to avoid standing out. At first, masking might help us avoid discomfort or judgment, but it often leads to burnout and anxiety. It’s emotionally exhausting and can leave us feeling disconnected from who we really are.

There’s a growing debate in some dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) communities about whether the DBT interpersonal skill of appearing confident is just another form of masking. Some people worry that projecting confidence when you don’t feel it is just masking in disguise. They feel that faking it till you make it might encourage people to hide their true emotional state, which feels at odds with DBT's emphasis on self-acceptance.

This concern seems to come up a lot in neurodivergent groups, who already deal with the strain of masking in many areas of life. Adding another "performance" of confidence can feel like more pressure, leading to burnout rather than growth.

But there’s another side to this. Many DBT practitioners view appearing confident as something very different from masking. It’s a skill to help navigate tough situations—especially when you need to stand your ground or advocate for yourself. The key is that appearing confident isn’t about hiding who you are. It’s about using body language and tone to support yourself in difficult moments. The big difference? Masking is about concealing out of fear, while appearing confident is about stepping into strength, even if you don’t feel it fully yet.

So, where’s the balance? How can we use appearing confident without burning out?

Marsha Linehan, in her book Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder, explains that the point isn’t to deny your feelings but to empower yourself through action. When you act confidently, even when you’re unsure, it can change how you feel inside. This is what DBT refers to as "opposite to emotion": Sometimes the way to get through anxiety or insecurity is to behave in a way that aligns with how you want to feel—calm, capable, and competent—even if that’s not what’s happening in the moment.

Linehan also highlights that the danger of constantly acting helpless is that you start to believe you’re helpless. She explains that if we keep acting like we’re helpless, we start to believe it. That’s why appearing confident can be a game-changer. Even if the confidence feels shaky, showing up with it can break that cycle of helplessness.

Using your body language to convey confidence isn't just to project confidence, it's to convince your mind that you are feeling centered and strong.

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Addressing the Masking vs. Confidence Controversy

For those who worry that appearing confident is just another form of masking, I get it. Masking is about survival; it’s about hiding who we are to protect ourselves in environments that don’t feel safe. That’s draining. Appearing confident, when used right, is about empowerment, not hiding. It’s not meant to lead to emotional exhaustion; it’s meant to give you tools to handle situations that require strength, even when you feel unsure inside.

The key is checking in with yourself. If appearing confident feels more like a burden than a support, it might be time to pause and reflect. Are you using it to help yourself, or are you falling into old patterns of hiding? The goal here is growth, not another layer of performance that drains you.

Remember, appearing confident isn’t meant to be permanent. It’s a bridge to help you move from insecurity to empowerment. Over time, the more you practice this skill, the more you’ll find that confidence comes naturally—and that’s where real change happens.