Is This Person Capable of Giving You What You Want?

The DBT House rules are guidelines designed to foster harmonious living with others. This article will dive into DBT House Rule Number 5, which emphasizes respecting each other's capabilities, limits, and needs.

When you want to be held, sometimes your partner isn't ready

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Recognizing the Limits of Capability

"Why can't you just hold me when I am upset? That's all I need. That will calm me down. I can't handle it when you get cold and distant. It makes me so angry." Penelope wants her husband to understand how simple it could be to end their arguments if he just held her when she asked him to.

But what if Derek isn't capable of doing what she asks? What if it isn't willfulness or being cold? What if he is also frustrated? And he doesn't want to hold her when he's angry with her. Or he might be afraid to touch her when they are both angry in case their fight becomes physical. What if the best he can do is try to regulate his own emotions, and he isn't capable of helping her regulate hers?

In close relationships, we often yearn for our partner, parent, or others who live with us to help us manage our emotions. Here are some examples of how we yearn for the people around us to have the capability to meet our (sometimes unrealistic) desires:

• Constant Reassurance: Expecting frequent affirmations of love, commitment, and validation to help soothe insecurities and doubts.
• Emotional Regulation: Relying on others to calm us down when stressed, anxious, or angry, rather than developing self-soothing techniques.
• Mood Improvement: Relying on others for a mood lift when feeling down or depressed, putting pressure on others to be a constant source of positivity.
• Emotional Availability: Wanting others to be always available to listen and provide support, regardless of their own needs or circumstances.

It's natural to seek comfort and care from our partners, family, friends, and housemates. However, we must balance this with understanding the limits of their capacity to be present and supportive.

We all have different energy levels and stress thresholds. Some housemates might be able to handle more chores, while others might be swamped with work or studies. It's important to recognize and respect these differences. If someone isn't doing their share of the housework this week, there may be extenuating circumstances. Be supportive and offer to help out when you can. Flexibility and understanding go a long way in maintaining a positive living environment.

When we are living with other people, before we ask them for something, we need to get clear on a few things related to their capacity to give us what we want:

• Have you considered your housemate's emotional, physical, motivational, intellectual, and other competencies? What are they good at?
• What are their limitations? Where do they struggle?
• Consider their history. Have they demonstrated capability? Be realistic. Look at their entire life and their current context. Have they been able to do this in the past? What has changed?
• What do you wish they would do? What evidence do you have that they are capable? How important is this behavior?
• Based on everything you know about them, what is realistic? After a realistic assessment of their capability, what would be a realistic compromise or expectation?
• Where do your strengths complement their weaknesses? Where do their strengths complement your weaknesses?

In those moments when Penelope so desperately wants to be held, she can remember that Derek may not be capable of holding her in that moment. This recognition of the limits of his capacity will help her manage her emotions. Instead of assuming that Derek is being cold or withholding because he doesn't care or is punishing her, which only makes her more upset.

Take a moment to reflect on your live-in relationships and the deficits in those relationships. Is it possible that some of your conflicts are rooted in an expectation of the other person having unlimited capacity? Or are other people counting on you to have unlimited capacity?

One of the keys to the DBT House Rules is that everyone should be on board with recognizing their own limitations and being able to communicate them. When everyone in the household develops realistic expectations about each other's capacities, it can reduce conflict and hurt feelings. We take things less personally.

When you notice that you don't like someone's behavior, they have bumped up against your limit.

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Know your own limits and respect other people's limits (especially when they are communicating them)

Everyone has boundaries. These are personal limits that help us feel safe and comfortable. Some people might need quiet time after work, while others might not want to share certain personal items. We empower ourselves and our housemates to create a living environment that meets everyone's needs by discussing and respecting these boundaries.

1. What are your limits? Start by just noticing when you don't like something. "Oof. I don't like that." That's what you feel when someone has just bumped up against your limits.
2. Mindfully decide whether to extend your limit or communicate it. Is there a good reason to extend your limit right now? (Wait to communicate it?) Be sure you aren't creating long-term problems for short-term peace. (Avoiding potential conflict because you don't like conflict.)
3. As adults, it's our job to communicate our limits and preferences. Relationships improve when we can trust each other to share our limits. It takes the guesswork out of our relationships. Don't expect people to read your mind. Communicate what you need. Relationships are much easier when we take each other's words at face value.

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Living with housemates can be rewarding when everyone respects each other's boundaries and differences. By treating each other with kindness, recognizing limits and capacity, and maintaining respectful, open communication, you can create a home where everyone feels comfortable and valued.