How to Give People Exactly What They Want

As the gift giving swings into view, the pressure is on to find the perfect gift for your significant other. But what present will best communicate your affections? Should you scour the mall (or the Web) in search of inspiration? Or should you “stick to the list,” and just give your partner what he or she has wished for?

Luckily for us, researchers have tested precisely this question.¹

In a study, participants were randomly assigned to imagine either that they were trying to find a present for their romantic partners, or that their partners were trying to find a present for them. When participants took the role of the giver, many believed that they should try to find a gift that was not on their partner’s wish list. By ignoring the list and finding an alternate present, participants seemed to believe their gift would communicate thoughtfulness and effort.

But when participants took the role of the receiver, they were actually more appreciative, and saw their partners as being more thoughtful, when their partners gave them a gift straight from their wish list, rather than an alternative present.

The researchers found similar effects for non-romantic relationships such as friends or relatives: Regardless of how close the recipient felt to the giver, wished-for gifts were always preferred. This effect held even when there was only one item on the wish list!

So, it would seem, holiday surprises are overrated.

We like to go the extra mile to delight our loved ones, but it appears that we’re better off giving them exactly what they've asked for. As well as we may know our partners, we simply aren’t mind-readers: It’s very difficult to choose presents for people that are better than the gifts they would have chosen for themselves. Further, people very much appreciate receiving gifts that they wished for, not only because it’s exactly what they wanted, but also because it shows thoughtfulness and responsiveness on the part of the giver.

So if you want to thrill your partners, peers, or parents this holiday season, one sensible strategy would be to simply ask them what they want, and then give it to them.

They’re sure to love it!

¹ Gino, F., & Flynn, F. J. (2011). Give them what they want: The benefits of explicitness in gift exchange. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 47, 915-922.

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This article was originally written for Science of Relationships.