Why Couples Fight About Money

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Comingling finances with another person can always bring about challenges. When that other person happens to be your significant other and emotions are involved, financial arguments may become especially complex. Research conducted by the American Psychological Association indicates that about a third of couples claim money is one of their main sources of conflict. Beneath the surface of couples' disagreements about who spent money on what and how much, deep-seated beliefs and learned behaviors can be the true stumbling blocks to financial compatibility.

Why Do Couples Really Fight About Money?

When two people are building a romantic relationship, they discuss their outlooks on having children, their spiritual beliefs, and many other important topics. Views about money are commonly left out of that process, even though people tend to have different habits when it comes to managing money. These differing views can be a recipe for conflict, and they can stem from as far back as your childhood.

Values, beliefs, and even attitudes about money start to form long before we ever enter a romantic relationship. These deeply ingrained beliefs that shape us as adults can carry conflicts into a relationship. For example, if you were raised by parents who saved and were frugal about spending, you may find it difficult to understand a partner who spends frivolously because they were brought up in a household in which saving was not a priority.

Underlying fears about finances can also drive conflicts in a relationship when two people have unique views about money management. For example, if one person strives to prepare for the future financially, but the other fears missing out today because they're always saving for tomorrow, the two are bound to have differences. These differences may have more to do with personal beliefs about life and outlooks than money in itself.

Money can even be used as a tool to drive agendas that have nothing to do with finances. For instance, money can be a source of conflict because it is used to gain some level of control in a relationship. A person who brings in more income and feels insecure with a partner may unhealthily use that advantage as a means to try to control of the other person. Likewise, a partner who has little or no income may come to depend on their partner for financial support, which can bring about deeper conflicts and emotions that challenge the relationship.

Financial Conflicts May Be Common, But They Can Be Overcome

Get on the Same Team. Work toward sharing an equal role in financial decisions and responsibilities. Roughly 23 percent of couples report that managing finance in their household is an equal endeavor. Being on two different teams can put you at emotional odds and cause a lot of unintended conflict. Dividing duties when it comes to navigating everyday spending, allocating funds to savings and investments, or paying the bills should be shared responsibilities. If not, one partner can feel that they are bearing most of the load and the other may feel as if they are always in the dark when it comes to money.

Talk About Money, Often and Openly. Sometimes, being more open about finances is the key to overcoming disagreements. Be sure to discuss household finances, be open about your spending habits, and avoid the tendency to keep quiet about financial challenges that could affect you both. For example, if you are hiding a debt that hinders your credit worthiness, that could affect your future ability to buy a home or secure financing for a new vehicle. This kind of discovery could also introduce doubt into a relationship and lead to problems with trust if the issue is not disclosed to your partner. Open dialogue about money can help you avoid landing in the middle of a heated argument because there are things your partner doesn't know. Don't shy away from having tough conversations about long-held beliefs and perspectives on money, and strive to find common ground.

Seek Professional Help. Ongoing arguments about spending, saving, and budgeting can be a surefire sign that underlying issues need to be addressed in a relationship. While the surface-level problem may appear to be money, the true culprits may be issues that affect other facets of your relationship, putting everything from planning your life together to envisioning your future as a couple at risk. Finding a good couples' therapist to help unravel the underlying differences and address them can be the key to avoiding a pattern of money-related arguments.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.