Stop Bringing Your Partner Down

• Sharing with your partner is not enough. How you share can make the difference between compassion and annoyance.
• Use "I" statements to take ownership of your feelings and avoid repeating the same complaint again and again.
• If there's a problem you don't need fixed immediately, let your partner off the hook by telling them you just need them to listen.

You’re not required to be happy all the time. Nor should you suffer in silence to keep from burdening others.

But if negativity has become something you wear all the time like a favorite sweater, your partner — and your relationship — could be suffering more than you know.

Source: Stock-eye/Canva Pro

There’s a middle ground between being Mr. or Ms. Bliss, and turning every conversation into a gripe session.

When you’re not happy, it’s important to be able to share that with your partner. If he loves you, he cares about your experience.

But how you share, and how often, can mean the difference between compassion and annoyance.

If you don’t want your partner to run for the hills every time you open your mouth, or to feel trapped in a joyless relationship, here are some guidelines to follow.

Start with “I feel…”

Telling your partner how unfair or awful the world is, isn’t self-expression. You’re not talking about your experience when you say that the system is corrupt or your neighbors are morons.

Statements like that just raise the question, how do you feel about that?

I feel despair. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel frustrated.

“I feel” statements indicate that you're taking appropriate ownership. These are your feelings; this is your experience.

If you don’t take ownership with “I”-statements, then like it or not, you’re inviting your partner to be responsible for your suffering.

Do this often enough and she’s bound to burn out. Compassion fatigue is real, and it can happen even in loving relationships.

Don’t be a broken record

If you’re a military spouse and you don’t like where your partner is stationed, telling her “I hate this place” every single day can test the limits of her devotion.

Do tell your partner how you feel, once, at the beginning. Make a specific request if possible (E.g., “Will you please put in for a transfer as soon as possible?”), then leave the subject alone until it’s time for either action or a decision.

Once you’ve been heard and your feelings understood, asserting your misery over and over is an act of senseless violence against your partner’s well-being.

Going on and on about “what’s wrong with this picture” feels oppressive on the receiving end. Especially when there’s nothing in the moment that either of you can do about the situation.

Human nature guarantees that you’ll get less and less sympathy, and more and more irritation coming back at you.

Help your partner hear you

If you use “I feel” statements and your partner responds with debate or facts, tell him you don’t need this fixed right now. You just need him to hear you and to understand how you feel.

Even people who love us don’t always know exactly what we need from them. It’s okay to ask your partner for what you need, even if it’s simply to listen and validate your emotions.

Just don’t ask your partner to listen to daily complaints. Especially if there’s nothing he can do at the moment to address them.

Remember, there’s a difference between expressing your feelings and spewing negativity. The first is normal, healthy, and sometimes necessary. The latter is hurtful to your partner and harmful to your relationship.