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The holiday season can be a difficult time for many people, especially those who suffer from hoarding disorder. Television commercials, movies, and shopping advertisements promote the holiday season as a wonderful time to gather with your loved ones, sharing an abundance of food and gifts, in exquisitely decorated homes. There can also be an element of obligation to give gifts. If you don’t have people to buy for while everyone else is rushing around, harried but fortunate enough to have people who love them enough to exchange gifts with, what does that say about you?
The holiday season leaves many feeling anxious and somewhat overwhelmed. Overwhelmed is how nearly every hoarding client we have had over the past 18 years has described their normal state of mind. Those living with hoarding disorder often not only feel anxious, they often feel acutely isolated and “oddly” different from everyone else because the condition of their home makes hosting an event impossible. They are often unable or unwilling to accept holiday hospitality because they cannot reciprocate. Many report dreaming of, and planning to have friends over, but feel blocked by the shame and failure to solve the problem of the piles and pathways in their hoarded living spaces. Hoarding may also have strained loving relationships and left the very people they want to be with the most too difficult to approach because of the conflict their hoarding behavior has caused.
Ironically, throughout the year, the person hoarding may have purchased gifts that they want to give at Christmas. Too often they report not being able to locate these purchases because they are lost in the clutter and piles. In the end, the person may only have two choices: Spend more money to reacquire the items, or miss out on the joy of exchanging gifts because the budget just can’t stretch that far and they do not want any additional evidence of the feelings they already have of being “odd” for being the only person not giving gifts.
It is hard not to get carried away with the traditions and hype of the holiday season. But ALL of us, even if we don’t suffer from hoarding disorder, can benefit from the realization that “things” are just things. As gifts, they are just symbols of the feelings we have for one another. The real gift is that we mean enough to someone to be remembered. If those feelings are reciprocated by those we care about, there is no gift that can equal the joy and peace we feel.
This holiday season, we challenge each person reading this post, ourselves included, to reach out and make contact with those who mean something to us and let them know they matter and are remembered, even if it is without a gift in hand. Let them know that we care about them enough to take the time to reminisce, and share a hug or a laugh as our gift.
Children are susceptible to the example we set. We all want our children to be happy. As parents, we work hard and take special satisfaction in being the instruments of their happiness. But please do them an enormous favor by not teaching them that the more they get, the happier they should feel. Providing their desired toy, where possible, is fine. Help them also, however, to learn that things are just things. If you give meaning and importance that objects don’t have, and use the acquisition of them as a substitute for meeting a child's genuine needs, there will never be enough things to fill and satisfy them. Using things as substitutes for what we really need is like being thirsty at sea in a boat without water, yet being surrounded by it. The dilemma is, the water that surrounds us is the wrong thing to quench our thirst. In fact, the more we consume, the more we risk harming ourselves. Let's be sure not to teach our children this legacy of largess.
A family I once knew taught their Santa-believing children that Santa had to make sure that he had a present for every child and so his sleigh could only hold one gift per child. Therefore Santa would bring them their one gift, if possible the one they most wanted, and they would probably get other things from other people in their family. The parents were trying to teach their children to set reasonable limits and only expect their share, not more, and that festive occasions are about more than things, and also include sharing and making memories with those who mean the most to them.
There is a recent movement on social media to ensure that "Santa" does not provide extravagant items like iPads and expensive electronics, while another child receives socks from Santa, as this makes a child question his or her worth when others receive more extravagent gifts. The movement suggests that items from Santa should be small, and if you have more expensive items, these should come from Mom and Dad. There is also a movement to provide four kinds of items only: something they need; something they want; something to wear; and something to read. This plan encourages restraint during the Christmas season.
Elaine and Sue, and all the staff of Birchall Consulting wish everyone love and peace throughout the year and hope that this holiday season provides plenty of opportunities for both. And for those who can’t make space for others in their home this year, do your best to make space for those you want to be with this holiday season. There is help available, when you are ready, to resolve the lack of free space in your home, so that next year’s holiday season can give you more of what you want and need.
