Being Alone, but Not Feeling Lonely, This Holiday Season

Holidays are different this year. They look different and feel different. And for many, that difference is defined by the lack of people. We are all being asked to do less with other people this holiday season. Less parties and less family gatherings. This means more time alone and less time socializing. We are doing more things alone. And for many, that means not only being alone, or more alone, but also feeling lonely.

Holidays are often difficult for people who are alone. Each year, many people are alone not by choice, even if it is a choice made based on the recommendations of experts, but because of loss. It may be that loved ones have passed away or moved. Or it may be that there have been arguments and people have decided to take a break from each other.

Whether being alone is by choice or by necessity, it can be tough. And I do not mean to suggest that it is easy or even a “good thing.” Writing this post on how to deal with being alone does not mean that being alone is something to welcome or even appreciate.

And, in reality, whether someone thinks it is “good” or “bad” to be alone is often irrelevant. If you are by yourself, it is usually something you can do little about. Take this holiday season, for example. Many more people are going to be alone this holiday season than would be the case in other years. There is a pandemic about and people are choosing to follow healthcare providers’ recommendations that they limit how much time they spend with friends and family. That is a choice they are making and it is irrelevant whether they like the situation or not. They are by themselves and that would be the situation regardless of whether they think it is “good” or “bad” to spend more “alone time” this year.

If you are alone not by choice but, rather, because you lost someone (or someones) close to you, I am truly sorry for your loss. And I certainly do not mean in any way that you should be happy or positive about your loss. What I am saying is that when being alone is something you cannot do anything about, then it is helpful to look at it from a different perspective. Being able to see even a tiny possibility of perceiving life in a more positive way can be very helpful for getting through tough times. That is what I am trying to do here.

My perspective is that many of us need to get more comfortable with being by ourselves. Other people are important in our lives but that does not mean that we always need other people with us. We, humans, tend to see ourselves as only having importance when there are other people around. It is as if we get uncomfortable with our own company and do not see our own view of ourselves as important. We only see value in a point of view about ourselves when we get it from other people.

And that is much of the problem. We see the importance of others but lose sight of seeing the importance of ourselves. Giving credence and importance to what others see in us can be good but it does not mean that we cannot be comfortable with being by ourselves. In fact, working to be alone, but not feel lonely, is not about downplaying the importance of others at all. It is about raising up how we feel about ourselves.

Humans are often referred to as “social animals.” That is because we depend on other people quite often in our lives. But that term is misleading. Animals of all species depend on others for some important things. There are no animals who are completely alone and completely self-dependent.

Bears, for example, are considered some of the most solitary creatures on earth. They spend a large amount of time alone and do many tasks individually, rather than in groups. But even bears do have families and groups on which they rely. They are not totally individualist but rely on others when needed. It is that “when needed” part that can get misunderstood. There are actually much fewer situations where we “need” to have other people around than we expect. We may “want” to have other people around but “wanting” and “needing” are two very different things.

And that is where the problem comes in with the term “social animals.” It implies that because we often rely on others for help that we need to always have others around. But that is not the case. We may need to have others involved with our lives for food, healthcare, public safety and/or to fix things. Those are major things in our lives, but they are not everything. Nonhuman animals recognize this much more than we, humans, do. There is much more emphasis in the nonhuman animal world that social activity is there for a specific purpose and is not an end to itself. Being around others is important to get things done, and when the tasks are finished, there is not always a need to socialize.

Humans' use of verbal language is one thing that separates us from other animals. But that is not always a good thing. Because, since we have words to describe things, we feel like we always have to have descriptions. Even if two types of situations are really different, we feel a need to group them together if they are at all similar. So, “being alone” and “being lonely” get linked together because they occur in similar situations and seem very similar to each other.

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But “being alone” and “being lonely” are two completely different things. One is a fact that describes a situation. If I am by myself in a room then there is no question that I am “alone.” That describes the situation but says nothing about how I am feeling. “Being lonely” could better be termed “feeling lonely” as that reflects what the person is actually experiencing. What is happening may not be changeable but how I feel about it, and how I describe it, may very well be something I can change.

Here is an interesting historical fact. “Loneliness” did not exist in the English language up until 1800. Up until that point, the closest similar word in English was “oneliness.” In their review of this history, Jeste, Lee & Cacioppo (2020) defined this term as “being alone without distress.” Notice how this reflects that being alone here is not equated with emotional distress. It was not even clear from the dictionaries at the time that there was any specific word for being alone “with distress.” Being alone was seemingly considered a basic aspect of life and was not necessarily a problem. It was just the way things were at times.

A starting place for feeling more comfortable with being alone would be to introduce the term “oneliness” for “loneliness.” It may seem silly to describe yourself as “feeling onely” rather than “feeling lonely.” But the point is to replace the words you are using to describe how you are that stress fact and separate out feelings. A similar replacement could be the longer “I am alone but not lonely,” or “Just because I am alone does not mean I am lonely.”

Taking note of what being alone offers can also be helpful. Let’s face it, the holidays can be wonderful but are also often a source of stress. And that stress often relates to social aspects. Buying gifts for other people, having to put up with family disagreements and feeling competitive in who can bring the most “holiday cheer” are just some examples of what can cause stress. Being removed from these stressors, and reminding yourself that you are removed from them, can bring a different perspective to the holidays. Granted, being alone can carry its own stress but it is useful to remember that it also removes some stress as well.

As I stated earlier, nonhuman animals gather primarily for specific reasons. When that specific task is completed, they often go their separate ways. You could say that all animals are “hardwired” in some way to want social connectedness but that does not have to be an “all-or-none” type of thing. Having social contact to get certain things done during the holidays could help make the holidays brighter even if those social gatherings do not make up much of what you do.

If you do any shopping in person, try to spread the shopping out a little at a time to allow for more frequent times when you are around other people. Try to make the trips when there are less people in the stores. This is good not just for safety but also for lessening the stress of being in crowded places during the holidays. If you are doing all your shopping online, or not doing any shopping at all, try to enjoy this and remind yourself that you are away from what many people consider the most stressful part of the holidays.

Keep in mind that if you are alone, trying to do your best to enjoy the holidays, there are probably other people you know who are trying to do the same thing. One of your tasks could be to call them. Helping other people not feel lonely on the holidays could be one step that helps you not feel lonely on the holidays.

When people are not in our lives, we can often focus so much on what good is missing that we do not pay attention to the bad that is missing. We may just automatically respond this way or may feel that acknowledging that not having other people around is less stressful may be putting these other people down. But acknowledging that having less stress by not having to deal with socialization generally is not putting down what some other people mean to us. It is just recognizing that this is one major stressor facing other people that is not a major part of your holidays this year.

Focusing on the most important aspects of the holidays can also be helpful. If you take any of the major holidays celebrated in the last months of the year, their most important aspects can be appreciated alone as well as with other people. And very often, doing this alone can really put the emphasis on where it needs to be rather than being concerned about how others are feeling or responding. Take time to really focus on what the holidays mean and to read about what things are supposed to be emphasized this time of year. Focus on what specific aspects of the holidays, and what they mean, you can still appreciate, even without people around. You may find that you are able to still engage a lot more with the holidays than you expected, even if other people are not around.

One phrase I use a lot with people who are trying to fight feeling lonely is “being alone does not have to mean being lonely.” Enjoy time with yourself and use the holidays to help you feel more comfortable with your own company. And take note of how your holidays may be very different from previous years and very different from how others are celebrating. But being “different” does not necessarily mean “bad.” It just means different. And learning how to do things a different way can be a very good thing indeed.