How Listening to Music Could Improve Our Relationships

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It’s become common knowledge that listening to classical and possibly other forms of music can lead to the “Mozart Effect.” Research over the past few decades has documented many positive effects, ^1,2,3which include improved cognition and mood, a calm and relaxed state that can help with insomnia, improved immune functioning, greater neural plasticity, lowered blood pressure, help with treating epilepsy in children, and increased altruism. This process appears to be mediated by the release of dopamine, the lowering of stress hormones along with other unknown mechanisms. Throughout history, music has soothed our souls, so then why wouldn’t this effect be used to help couples as part of their therapy?

Since retiring from clinical psychiatry, I’ve had more time to devote to my other passion in life; playing the piano. As every pianist knows, playing Bach is a rite of passage. His music teaches us about “counterpoint,” which is "the combination of two or more independent melodies into a single harmonic texture in which each retains its linear character." Lately, while returning to these wonderful works, I’ve been thinking about how classical and other types of music could help our practice of psychotherapy, and, in particular, couple’s therapy. Music therapists, of course, have long known about its powerful uses within medicine and psychiatry.⁴

Applying this principle of counterpoint and the Mozart Effect could serve as a unique way of understanding and treating relationship issues. Having strong relationships has been demonstrated in numerous studies to be beneficial for our mental and physical health.⁵ They help us weather the storms of living during challenging times. Couple's therapy can be a frustrating and difficult process. Hopefully with the integration of this approach there could be substantial progress and growth, especially when faced with an impasse.

Lessons learned from playing Bach

When playing Bach, I’m intensely focused on the conversation that’s taking place between the two voices in the left and right hands and trying to get them to sing to each another. They are listening to one another and then responding by complementing, enhancing, clarifying or working towards a resolution. The resolution, though, cannot be rushed; there can be no jumping to conclusions. The pianist must be patient, articulate, and sensitive to changing dynamics leading up to the resolution. Sometimes there is a decrescendo, a crescendo, or a ritard; but regardless, it’s only done in tandem with both intertwining melodies. This process of counterpoint is akin to the listening process that occurs in all forms of psychotherapy.

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Applying the concept of counterpoint to couples therapy

This process has profound implications for the practice of any psychotherapy but particularly when working with couples and families. Here are some recommendations that draw upon this concept:

1. Have a clear, relaxed mind before discussing any important and potentially charged topic.
2. Try listening to music alone or together beforehand to help facilitate a more fruitful discussion.
3. Assign a time/place to talk with face-to-face conversation. Avoid when tired, intoxicated, or too distracted with other matters. It’s okay to ask to postpone to a better time.
4. Listen for the deeper meaning and context and don’t respond until you’re certain you understand the message. If unclear, ask for clarification.
5. Don’t take the other for granted and/or make faulty assumptions; each conversation and “performance” is full of fresh possibilities.
6. Don’t interrupt. Work on developing patience and self-control.
7. Avoid labeling, which can be a controlling behavior.
8. Avoid being overly passive or aggressive; learn to be more assertive by being as articulate as possible. (When playing Bach, the “sustain pedal” is not used as it can obscure the clarity of the notes.)
9. Don’t rush towards a resolution; allow it to evolve naturally. Realize that you are making music together, which cannot or should not be forced.

In the process of working to improve upon these basic skills, be aware that we are part of something larger than ourselves. With this spirit in mind, dissonance can suddenly transform itself, leaving a more harmonious perspective in its wake. Positive feelings and memories can come flooding back.

There are, of course, so many types of couple’s therapy with varying techniques and interventions. Regardless of the type, though, we can draw upon the exquisite beauty of Bach’s beautiful musical language and the lessons it imparts. Couples could benefit from listening to their favorite type of music (it doesn’t have to be classical, of course) as a way to relax together and work on their listening skills.

Let’s not forget that listening to music helps soothe our own frayed nerves after a particularly hectic and stressful day. Classical music, including Bach and many other types of music, have the effect of creating a sense of order and beauty and in the process, they put us in touch with something transcendent. We could all use a daily dose of that any day.