Conflict Resolution in Youth Sports

Source: Frank Smoll

Several important groups contribute time and energy for the betterment of youngsters’ sport experiences; namely, coaches, parents, administrators, safety/injury personnel, and officials.

The vast majority of their interpersonal exchanges are positive and constructive. However, some thorny situations can arise that result in disagreements between well-meaning adults. For example, the following are typical parent-coach issues:

• A child isn’t getting enough playing time.
• The coach is mistreating youngsters either verbally or physically.
• The coach is using technically incorrect or possibly dangerous methods.

When incidents such as these occur, they can create a state of conflict between the parties involved. But that’s OK. It’s something that can be expected to occur.

Conflict should not be viewed as something bad or negative. It’s a natural and unavoidable part of all relationships. Why is conflict so important? Failure to effectively handle it can cause great harm to a relationship. So, the objective is to learn how to manage conflict effectively.

Definitions

Conflict is a state in which the action of another person prevents, obstructs, or interferes in some way with your goal or actions. There’s interference with goal-oriented behavior, which creates frustration. Because of this, conflict is usually an emotionally-charged situation.

A confrontation is a face-to-face discussion with the individual with whom you are having a conflict. Confrontations are useful for resolving major conflicts and for minor ones as well. But that can’t happen if a confrontation is a heated argument or a hostile exchange. The basic attitude should be “Hey, we’re in this together. Let’s work for the benefit of everyone.”

Approaches to Conflict Resolution

The two most commonly used approaches to conflict resolution are compromise (I get half, you get half) and collaboration (I get what I want, you get what you want).

• Compromise involves agreeing to give up half of what you want in exchange for getting half of what the other person wants. Behaviorally, there’s an exchange of offers and the negotiation of trade-offs or concessions. Compromise is basically a positive approach, but the outcome leaves each party partially dissatisfied and partially satisfied.
• Collaboration is an attempt to arrive at an outcome that satisfies both parties. Behaviorally, it involves confronting differences, sharing information about both parties’ concerns, and problem-solving to find a solution that satisfies both parties.

In collaborating on conflict resolution, the goal is to achieve a win-win outcome in which the concerns of both parties are satisfied in a mutually respectful manner. To accomplish this, you should be highly assertive with regard to your own concerns and highly cooperative with regard to the other person’s concerns. This requires effective communication, which is more than just exchanging information. It’s about understanding the concerns behind the information. In addition to being able to clearly convey a message, you also need to listen in a way that gains the full meaning of what’s being said and makes the other person feel heard and understood.

Initiating a Confrontation: Things to Do

When you initiate a confrontation, your goal is to get the other person to examine their actions. Here are some specific guidelines to follow.

1. Speak up when an issue is important to you. Obviously, you don’t have to address every irritation that comes along. But it’s a mistake to stay silent if the cost is to feel bitter, resentful, or unhappy.
2. Take time to think about the problem and to clarify your position. In other words, make sure you know where you’re coming from. Ask yourself “What’s the real issue here?” “Who’s responsible for what?” “What, specifically, do I want to change?” “What are the things I will and will not do?”
3. Use your powers of reason. Before speaking to the person, ask yourself relevant questions, such as “How can I get them to examine their actions?” “What are some possible solutions to the problem?”
4. Speak in “I” language. The idea is to own your messages. For example, “I have a problem that I want to talk about.” Or “My perspective is different from yours.” Don’t say things like “Some people feel there’s something wrong.” Or “Most of us don’t see it that way.” When you make reference to other people, it conveys insecurity on your part.
5. Try to understand the other person. Accuracy might be difficult, because emotions tend to interfere with thought processes. There’s a tendency not to see things clearly. Use empathy here. Try to put yourself in the other person’s place. In addition, let them know you’re trying to understand them.
6. Be tentative. Be highly assertive with regard to your own concerns and highly cooperative with regard to the other person’s concerns. In other words, try to find a balance.
7. Proceed gradually. Deal with one specific problem at a time, so that you don’t overwhelm the other person.
8. Try to appreciate the fact that people are different. There are as many ways of seeing the world as there are people in it! If you’re arguing about who has the so-called “truth” you may be missing the point. Different perspectives don’t necessarily mean that one person is “right” and the other is “wrong.” The fact is you can both be right.

Initiating a Confrontation: Things to Avoid

When initiating a confrontation, there are also some things to avoid.

1. Don’t discuss the problem with everyone else before confronting the other person. Word will get back to the person, and this might make it more difficult to collaborate.
2. Don’t strike while the iron is hot. The worst time to speak up is when you’re feeling angry or stressed. Don’t let your emotions control your tongue. As mentioned above, use your powers of reason (your brain power).
3. Don’t communicate the solution. What you should do is communicate the problem. Then allow the other person to figure out how to change the situation. You can volunteer a solution, but only if the other person doesn’t have one.
4. Don’t use “below the belt” tactics. This includes things like blaming, labeling, ordering—and the “heavy artillery”—warning, threatening, and ridiculing. The main point is don’t attack the other person. That only creates tension and hard feelings.
5. Don’t stop communicating. Keep the lines of communication open, so the negotiation continues to flow.
6. Don’t expect dramatic change to occur from a single confrontation. Change occurs slowly. If you fall on your face a few times, don’t get discouraged. Be patient, and keep trying!

What Are Some Guidelines for Recipients of a Confrontation?

When you are confronted, your objective is the same as when you initiate a confrontation; that is, you get the other person to examine their actions. Guidelines regarding this will be covered in a future Psychology Today post “Conflict Resolution in Youth Sports: Part 2.”