Miniature Narcissists

Source: Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

Make no mistake. Narcissism is on the rise. “All about me” behavior and values have become interwoven in much of daily life. This creates pressure, pushing all of us—including our children—toward narcissism and unhealthy relationships.

While pathological narcissism cannot be diagnosed until the age of 18, the tendencies and traits that presage it can be seen in younger children and adolescents. These “miniature narcissists,” or narcissists-to-be (N2B), are on the path to developing a full-blown disorder.

A Picture of At-Risk Youngsters

Narcissists-to-be (N2B) are growing up to remain selfish, entitled, and unempathetic as adults. Often raised as little princes and princesses, these children come to believe that they are “better than” other people and entitled to special treatment. They can be demanding and volatile, mean-spirited and aggressive, uncaring and manipulative.

Their lack of empathy compromises their ability to be good friends, and they tend to “use” people, lacking deeper regard for the feelings of others. Insensitive and self-centered, they are largely focused on getting their needs met regardless of the impact more generally. These are youngsters who do not outgrow the undesirable and immature tendencies and traits associated with youthful, age-appropriate narcissism.

“Miniature narcissists” come in a variety of sizes and shapes that range from being rather disagreeable to irresistibly charming, from being uncivilized and mean to practically perfect in every way. Regardless of their exterior presentation, they all suffer from fundamental flaws in their character born of an unhealthy, often inflated, self-concept and an immature model of love and relationships.

Narcissism is not necessarily a bad thing; it has both healthy and unhealthy forms. Healthy narcissism fuels the drive for competence, accomplishment, and connection, while unhealthy narcissism frustrates positive growth.

So what does healthy and unhealthy narcissism in children look like? Determining this is based primarily on the age and stage of the child. A given behavior at a young age can be developmentally appropriate, while the same behavior at an older age is considered dysfunctional and indicative of unchecked narcissism.

For example, a preschooler demanding chocolate milk, “Now, right now,” might be annoying, but it’s developmentally appropriate. Seeing the same behavior in an eleven-year-old is an indication that something is off track in the child’s development.

Source: Chris Briggs / Unsplash

Similarly, a lack of empathy is to be expected in a younger child—many a four-year-old has shrugged off mom’s selfless efforts to make a fun birthday party—but that same lack of appreciation is not developmentally appropriate in a high schooler. In short, there should be signs that a child is developing positively and progressively in the elementary, middle, and high school years.

Signs of Narcissistic and Non-Narcissistic Development in a Child

The failure of specific abilities, such as empathy, to develop, and the failure of other traits, such as self-centeredness, to lessen may indicate that your child is not maturing in healthy ways.

Six Emerging Skills and Abilities

Important skills and abilities should develop and improve with age. Their presence shows that the child is maturing in healthy, non-narcissistic ways, while their absence suggests that the child may be at risk for narcissism.

1. Empathy develops and becomes more sensitive, appropriate, and accurate with age.
2. Cooperation (and cooperative relationships) increases in frequency and complexity with age.
3. Realistic and appropriate self-esteem grows steadier and more differentiated with age.
4. More mature coping strategies develop with age.
5. Accuracy of perception and interpretation of information improves with age.
6. Regard for the feelings of others is building with age.

Twelve Fading Tendencies and Traits

The number of specific tendencies and traits should decline with maturity over the years. Progress in these areas is a positive sign, while failures in development indicate the child may be at risk for narcissistic vulnerability.

1. Emotional volatility should settle and calm with age.
2. Self-centeredness should decline with age.
3. Entitled attitudes that demand special treatment should lessen with age.
4. Angry or aggressive responses to being criticized, wronged, and disappointed, should decline with age.
5. Demands to “get their way” should lessen with age.
6. Needing to win or succeed without concern for the feelings of others (i.e., who is hurt in the process) should decline with age.
7. Bullying behaviors (i.e., teasing, threatening, scapegoating) should lessen with age.
8. Acting on information without regard for its impact on others should decline with age.
9. Blaming others for bad outcomes or disappointments should lessen with age.
10. Preoccupation with getting their needs met (i.e., over those of others) should decline with age.
11. Envy should lessen with age.
12. A sense of extraordinary self-worth should decline with age.

Narcissism Essential Reads

Narcissistic Leaders Often Fall, In Time

Do Narcissists Have Empathy?

As they grow and mature, children acquire a variety of skills and abilities over the developmental period. All development is marked by progress and regression, forward movement, and backsliding.

However, a failure to develop or improve certain skills over sustained periods, as well as a failure of other tendencies and traits to lessen or decline over time, can indicate that a child is at risk for maintaining undesirable narcissism into adulthood.

The Narcissistic Continuum

Narcissism exists on a continuum that moves from health to illness. It looks like this:

Healthy Narcissism → Narcissistic Tendencies → Narcissistic Traits → Pathological Narcissism

Dysfunction and pathology increase from “healthy narcissism” to “narcissistic tendencies” to “narcissistic traits” and ultimately to “pathological narcissism,” which is diagnosed formally as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). When people refer to narcissists, they are generally referring to pathological narcissists in the adult world. Narcissists-to-be (N2B) are actually “miniature narcissists” set on the path to a full-blown disorder if intervention does not change their course.

My upcoming book, Childhood Narcissism: Strategies to Raise Unselfish, Unentitled, and Empathetic Child, identifies early intervention by parents and professionals as critical in resisting and changing these trends. Many narcissistic tendencies, if reinforced rather than reversed during childhood, become increasingly stable and dysfunctional over the formative childhood years.

Eventually, the interaction of temperament and experience can establish lasting personality traits, some of which prove problematic. Still, later, those earlier narcissistic traits, if unaddressed and unmediated, can result in a narcissistic personality disorder.

Changing the Child’s Narcissistic Trajectory

Source: Marriana Yarritu / Unsplash

Parents and other influential adults have the power to encourage or discourage narcissism in the child by supporting the development of healthy personality structures. Structures that prevent narcissism in the child include a healthy self-concept, an effective ability to regulate emotions, accurate perceptual and information processing skills, and a mature model of love and relationships.

Narcissism in its pathological form, while not good for any of us, is particularly problematic for children. Fully grown, these “miniature narcissists” cannot sustain fulfilling relationships and miss opportunities for contentment, satisfaction, and happiness. Intervening to correct their developmental course before it is too late is both possible and worthwhile.