The Fourth and Better Way to Cope With Stress

As discussed here, when stressed, humans, like other animals, tend to become aggressive, flee, or inhibit action. But aggression can lead to a tragic spiral of violence and retaliation. And flight rarely solves the problem. Finally, motor inhibition (“freeze”) often makes one feel frustrated and unhappy and can have “psychosomatic” side effects.

So, what is a good response to stress? Is someone being aggressive toward you? Understand why, then address the cause of their stress—not the symptom. Tackling a problem by acting on its root cause is often the most effective way to cope.

That fourth way should be obvious; nevertheless, it is not always our first move because we tend to follow, as animals, our emotions, e.g., anger, fear, or resignation. The fourth way calls for the human intellectual faculties of attention, memory, thought, imagination and goal-direction instead. On top of that, it forces you to reflect on the situation, which is a good thing.

Tackling the root cause brings two types of benefits

Does having too many things to do at work stress you? Instead of worrying, prioritize and do them one at a time. Tackling the root cause of the problem alone or, better still, with the help of others has two advantages. The obvious one is that this may actually solve the problem. That is the external, objective benefit.

The second advantage is perhaps just as important. Taking positive action, even if it does not solve the problem in the end, will internally produce the same kind of psychological relief that you would get from acting aggressively. So, it is a double bonus. Those who have not experienced its positive effect have no idea how rewarding it can be.

The story of the man in the storm

In December 1999, a massive storm hit the French power grid, and large parts of France were without electricity for weeks. In a modern society where everything (lighting, heating, cooking, washing, transport, telecommunications, etc.) depends on electricity, you can imagine the stress this blackout in the middle of winter caused people. Communications were down, and fallen trees and snow hampered the work of the rescue and repair teams of EDF, the French national grid operator. Thousands of EDF pensioners from all over France volunteered to join the rescue teams.

I was in charge of setting up an emergency psychological support cell for EDF in the middle of the worst-hit region. The first call I took in the call center was a woman crying that she was going to commit suicide, which we managed to prevent.

Soon after, a very angry man called, complaining that his baby was freezing and threatening to come and shoot us. Why had this nearby farm been reconnected and not his own house? After explaining that reconnections were prioritized for the most vulnerable, I asked him if he could look around and signal us if there were any vulnerable people we should reconnect. I gave him my cell phone number as a matter of principle. For the moment, I merely thought I had managed to calm him and moved on to the next call.

4 ways to cope with stress: we always have the choice

Source: OpenAI/Dall-e and the author

To my surprise, the next day, the same man called me, explaining he had enrolled his neighbors and set up a rescue team. He gives me a list of people to be rescued and their locations. And he then does this every day for over a week without asking to be reconnected himself. This brave man dealt with his stress by tackling the situation, and his actions benefited everyone, including himself.

We all have the choice of the fourth way

Studies show that different people react differently to the same situation. What we see in this example is that a person has the capacity to react differently to a given situation. There is no fate; we have a choice.

In my example, the same person who initially reacted aggressively could also respond in a fourth way, by facing the situation and tackling it, using the amazing mind and body skills with which we humans are all endowed. That capacity is true for collectives as well as for individuals: After a disaster, those communities who get their act together to repair and heal fare better than those who passively wait to be rescued.

When a person is confronted with a problem in their environment, the body and mind automatically set up a series of biochemical reactions that prepare the body for action, switching it to combat mode. Making more energy and oxygen available to the organs that might be called upon for fight or flight is the most obvious response. Dozens of complex chains of reactions involving hormones and neurotransmitters serve to optimize activity while maintaining balance, preparing our nervous system and other systems, such as the immune system, to respond.

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If this preparation is followed by motor inhibition, not only is the preparation wasted, but the body may learn the wrong signal. In fact, even doing some physical exercise then is better than staying passive. Act smartly! Use these switched-on mental and bodily resources of combat mode to tackle the root cause of the stress.

Tackling situations will boost your self-efficacy

If you stay passive in one situation after another, you will not solve your problems and may develop a habit of failure or “learned helplessness.” Conversely, the more you address problems and solve them, the more you gain agency and confidence in your own agency, “self-efficacy.”

In any case, I believe that mobilizing these prepared resources into attention, thinking, reasoning, and motor action other than aggression or flight is the way to go. It is a good way to get the double bonus of constructive action: solving the problem externally (possibly) and, in any case, achieving a better internal balance.

At first, it may be difficult to overcome your natural tendency to flee, fight, or give up. Remember that family, friends, and professionals such as psychologists are there to help you in these situations. Prepare with them if you know you might face stress. Ask them for help if you feel overwhelmed.

Often, situations appear difficult. Then, remember there is almost always a fourth way, a better way to go forth. It is the way that you find when you try.