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Key points
- Put the holiday visit in perspective by setting expectations that are reasonable.
- Be flexible and give yourself and others a break.
- Understand that families can raise in you feelings of affection, ambivalence, and ambiguity that are normal.
It happens in almost every family over the holidays, and the larger the family, the more likely it is to happen: Someone says or does something that is later (or immediately) regretted; or politics comes up after everyone promises not to talk about politics; or someone feels left out, ignored, dissed, unloved, less favored, or under-appreciated for all they have done; or people just feel stressed from travel, lack of sleep, changed schedules and diets, or uncomfortable sleeping quarters.
Are there ways to avoid all of this and make family holiday get-togethers wonderful? In a word, no. Some amount of family miscommunication and discomfort is common but there may be ways to reduce the likelihood that, across and within generations, trouble will brew.
What to do about a family get-together when it’s supposed to be fun
1. Be aware that old patterns of behavior often return when family members gather. The adult child (college student or older) and parent may fall into old routines that are a far cry from the adult child’s sense of competence in the world outside the family realm. The 21-, 31-, or 41-year-old who is (pick one): a. working at Starbucks; b. running a business; c. managing an acapella group; d. arguing cases in court; d. counseling individuals; e. providing health care; or f. volunteering each week in their place of worship still gets treated as if they are still 14 and unable to tie their shoes. It is not only parents and children who fall into past patterns; that same adult may also be treated by (or be treating) a younger or older sibling who wants to turn back the clock to their childhood and reenact roles that are no longer extant.
What to do about it? Be your new self, not your old self. If you are your old self, you are continuing a cycle of behavior you may not wish to continue. Whether you directly address this treatment with the other family member(s) will depend on the context and if the holidays are the best time to talk. If there is too much going on at the time, wait until January. Adult relationships take time to titrate.
2. Set expectations appropriately. Holidays have huge buildups. Norman Rockwell made his career on idealized versions of the American family but while some families achieve that ideal, most do not. Figure out what you want to happen. If you have other family members traveling with you (a partner or children, for example) talk to them so expectations are set for your team.
3. Try to keep to your same eating, sleeping, exercising, drinking, and alone time routine. This is not always easy but it is important.
4. Unless they can be discussed without a lot of rancor, avoid political topics. Remember that Uncle Henry has always been a Democrat (or Republican or libertarian) and you are unlikely, over a plate of turkey, to convince him to change party affiliation.
5. Parents whose children have gone away and are returning from college need to negotiate with them, and vice versa. First-year college students, in particular, are balancing new independence where they set their own schedule and are now returning to the fold for a few days or weeks. Who are they? Are they the children who were living in the parent’s home four months ago and subject to their rules, or are they young adults experimenting with a new self-image? This is a bi-directional conversation in which both parties must be flexible. Discuss expectations in advance and be willing to bend a little.
6. Balance time with family and friends. Returning home after being away for a while? Seeing old friends may be important. The trick is to balance time with family and time with friends who may also be returning home and trying to balance their time with their own friends and family.
7. Let it go when possible. Holidays can raise ambivalent feelings around long-ago memories, current relationships, and future possibilities. Much of life is shaped by affection, ambiguity, and ambivalence. By lowering expectations, it will be easier to let things slide a bit. Take a breath and focus on what is working for you and your family, not what is not working.
