Healthy Grieving in Men Through Flexible Masculinity

Generally accepted advice about "how" to grieve often falls foul of certain masculinities. This mismatch is a potential red flag for bereaved men as they try to positively work through the grief process.

There is a mountain of advice out there on grieving and what healthy mourning looks like. But many practitioners agree on certain key points: There is no right or wrong way to grieve, it's ok to experience and express a range of emotions, there is no time limit or end to grief, for instance¹.

Masculinities associated with adverse health outcomes tend to be those which prescribe a restrictive, inflexible set of thoughts and behaviours prioritising restriction of emotional expression, control of feelings and behaviour, independence, and resilience². Masculinities which prioritise these features typically clash with the fundamentals of healthy grieving as suggested above. Men who value these types of masculinities are caught in a trap (unintended Elvis lyrical reference). The body is going in one direction (e.g., generating intense, negative emotions) while their brand of masculinity is pulling them towards a different destination. This tug-of-war can spell trouble for healthy grieving and adjustment to loss.

What is the solution? One option is not giving up the brand of masculinity you value, but instead opting for a more flexible version of that brand. Psychological flexibility in various forms is linked with improved wellbeing³. Trouble comes, not from backing a particular type of masculinity, but strict adherence to the characteristics that define it (e.g., strength, independence, control). This rigidity cuts down our coping options. In other words, we need to adopt "flexible masculinity," which comes through flexible thinking and behaviour, along with the use of compassion.

Flexible thinking involves expanding existing definitions of masculinity characteristics. For example, a rigid interpretation of independence is "never seek help or support." We can see how this type of thinking can encourage the use of unhelpful grieving behaviours (e.g., avoid talking to others about your feelings). Alternatively, you could expand this definition to "manage difficulties without help when I've got sufficient skills/resources and involve other people in challenging situations to stay at my best." This second viewpoint does not abandon self-reliance in coping while incorporating the idea that seeking help can help preserve performance and autonomy.

Flexible behaviour helps you to avoid over-reliance on a narrow set of strategies. Having a drink with your friend may be a good distraction and source of support when feeling low, but this could become counterproductive if you did this every night of the week. Flexible behaviour is expanding the grief coping toolkit. One strategy uses "mini-experiments" to test new coping behaviours in a way that minimises the perceived risk of adverse outcomes. A guy who fears being ridiculed for opening up about his feelings may try the experiment of having a general discussion about difficult emotions (rather than specifically focusing on his grief experiences). Alternatively, he may attend a bereavement support group (where "permission" has been provided to discuss grief).

Rigid, inflexible masculinities are very blame-orientated. In other words, you are at fault when you don't measure up to a particular masculinity brand (rather than considering that the brand may be unhelpful to begin with!). If you are struggling with a grief experience, imagine a highly compassionate version of you responding to your circumstances. What would he say? How would he explain the grief you are experiencing? Another form of compassion can come indirectly through education. Possessing accurate information about grieving can help counter unrealistic expectations about coping and "normalise" the experiences you are having.

Bereaved men should watch out for types of masculinity that get in the way of healthy grieving. Through flexible masculinity, there are many positive grief responses available to you. Expanding your thinking and behaviour can help you break out of unhelpful coping patterns, while compassion can help you gain a sense of perspective and normality to what you are going through.