Are You Lying to Your Therapist? Are They Lying to You?

Last weekend, I drifted into a cozy used book store in a train town we were near on a trip. As I glanced through the titles of novels and psychology books, I noticed a familiar title for a guided journal. As I flipped through its pages in the car, I found something I wasn't expecting: writing.

Instantly, I was dropped into a snapshot of a point in time in another person's life—their hopes for the future, love of life, and a relentless flight from addiction. No name, no identifying information at all. Yet, I felt connected to this person, wishing I could somehow write them back.

I wondered what it might be like for us all to have a window into each other's lives like this. I smiled and shuttered as I felt both appreciation for privacy and a desire to know/be known by others more authentically.

Honesty in Psychotherapy

As a psychotherapist, I am lucky to hear others' stories often. It's meaningful to me. Yet, even in a therapy space, what people share is frequently filtered. One survey of 547 adults in psychotherapy found that 72.6% admitted to lying to their therapist at least once (Blanchard and Farber., 2018). This is understandable. The request of being totally transparent to anyone, even ourselves, is a tall order. A separate investigation into deception in psychotherapy found that fear and shame are reasons for lying to one's therapist (Zupančič et al., 2018).

Most would agree that some sense of trust and safety is necessary for healing. Simultaneously, shame runs rampant, particularly around difficulties that bring people to therapy. Still, the confidential walls of therapy matched with the mantra of "unconditional positive regard," which many therapists carry, ideally offer a space where individuals can comfortably confront their deepest troubles without fear of disgrace.

A study found that among the top qualities that clients desire in their clients are acceptance and non-judgment (Littauer et al., 2005). Some fear of judgment, even if unintentional, is understandable. Most therapists are human beings.

Likewise, while it is imaginable that most therapists strive to tell the truth, it is conceivable that there may be times when therapists are not completely open.

Research has shown that most therapists regard lying in therapy as unethical (Curtis et al., 2016), and most would avoid it at great lengths. Still, deception in psychotherapy, however rare, is a reality (Williams, 2018)

Overcoming the Human Barrier

Traditionally, both psychotherapists and psychotherapy clients are human. With that, there is potential for deception with ourselves and others. In some schools of psychotherapy, particularly psychodynamic ones, working through self-deception is regarded as a key process in psychotherapy.

How can therapists and clients overcome this "human barrier"?

Open conversations about fear and shame at the outset of therapy are a start to challenge distrust. Reviewing rules around confidentiality, acknowledging the therapist's humanness, and exploring how clients can let the therapist know if they are uncomfortable with or not ready to talk about a particular topic are additional steps.

Two humans can meet together and for growth to occur in psychotherapy, even as we wrestle with our fallibilities.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.