Should You Avoid That Difficult Conversation?

On the list of things I enjoy, anxiety would probably be near the bottom. Right next to root canals and letters from the IRS. Yet, I have learned that just like root canals and letters from the IRS, avoiding anxiety only makes things worse.

It's only natural for people to want to turn away from pain. Yet what works in the external world (running away from a tiger) often is less effective in our minds. Painting ourselves into a corner to get away from anxiety usually creates more anxiety while blocking us from the things that truly matter.

Popular culture often encourages us to steer clear of things that spark troubling emotions, but there is a cost.

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, efforts to avoid anxiety and other mental experiences are called "experiential avoidance." Research suggests a correlation between this and the level of stress we perceive (Bardeen et al., 2013) in a situation. In other words, the more we try not to feel something difficult, often the more distressed we become.

Similarly, the cost of hiding is evident in missing out on things that matter to us. Not talking to someone to avoid feeling awkward might pay off in the short run but leave us lonely in the long term.

The Trouble With Evading Difficult Conversations

When it comes to difficult conversations, the intuition might be to skip them. Yet, by not speaking up, problems often compound each other, damaging vital relationships. Without clear communication, people tend to draw assumptions, and due to the human bias toward negativity, those conclusions might not be accurate or helpful.

For example, say Ashley is hurt that Erica did not invite her to a party. Ashley might assume Erica doesn't value their friendship as highly as her other friends. Over time, resentment is likely to grow. Still, if Ashley talks to Erica, she may find that Erica thought Ashley had other plans that night or that the invitation text message that Erica sent failed to send.

Similarly, we can't change what we don't know. If someone struggles with a grievance against another person, the other person may blissfully offend without even being aware.

Even when the tough conversation does not result in preserving the relationship, these conversations may deepen our understanding of a situation, leading to closure. It takes courage to speak up and often displays values like self-respect, desire for connection, and care for others.

Closing

If you are questioning whether or not to have a difficult conversation, it's worthwhile to consider the pros and cons of having the conversation and, maybe more importantly, of not having it. They may be strikingly different. While only you can determine whether or not to move toward the discussion, it's worthwhile to consider.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.