When Depression Tells You You're Bringing People Down

In my darkest times, depression told me to turn away from others. I would bring them down, she whispered, I have nothing to offer. The more I listened, the inkier my outlook became and the farther I felt from feeling better. I couldn't listen to her anymore. Reconnecting was integral in my feeling better.

When we are depressed, we feel more negative. In a culture that is sometimes gilded in 'positivity,' there can be an added sense of guilt or thought that we should quarantine ourselves. Yet, depression thrives on isolation in a dangerous way.

Research has shown that social isolation and loneliness correlate with greater levels of depression and suicidal ideation (Helm and colleagues, 2020).

While there is truth that moods can be contagious, isolation removes access to an important core need of connection preventing us from receiving support. It leaves us alone in our darkened thoughts. Friends and family would often much rather show up for a loved one than have them suffer in silence.

What follows are three alternatives to isolating when depression tells you that you are bringing people down.

1. Share Space

A community center I once attended had the objective of providing support to struggling members. The support came in the form of a scheduled 'comedy night' each week wherein we gathered to watch funny movies and comedians. Small as it was, the meeting was a success. Connecting with others does not always have to include talk of problems or conversation. Just sharing space with someone can provide some sense of mutuality. You might do this by playing a game with a friend, going around people in an open place like a coffee shop, or doing a shared activity.

Research backs up shared spaces as well. One small study of 59 participants found that even prescribed casual videogame playing for 30 minutes a day three days a week correlated with a decrease in depression scores on the PHQ-9 compared to a control group of individuals reading about depression (Russoniello and colleagues, 2013).

2. Reach Out

In dialectical behavioral therapy, there is a skill called 'opposite action' (Linehan, 2015) when an emotion gives an action urge that is not effective, we act opposite. In the case of isolation, this can mean reaching out. This can look like either sharing one's pain or conversing about other things. The trick is to do the opposite of what depression is commanding.

3. Practice Compassion

Acts of compassion are excellent ways to counteract a depressive urge to isolate. Something as small as writing a kind letter, visiting a loved one in a nursing home, or even giving your dog a little extra time on a beloved walk can lift your spirits while reconnecting you with those around you.

4. Seek Help

If depression is telling you that you are a burden, it is vital to seek help. Depression is treatable and there is help. With psychotherapy and psychiatric intervention, you can recover.

In Closing

Depression lies. Don't let depression convince you that you aren't worth others' time. There are many ways the connect. Help is available.