When Parents Won't Say No to Their Adult Children

Much is said about parents who struggle or refuse to respect their adult children’s boundaries, asking unwanted questions or offering unsolicited advice. But there is another type of boundary issue that creates problems in families with adult children, though in a subtler, less obvious way. Some parents struggle to set their own boundaries with adult children. In contrast to the parent who hates to hear no from their adult child, this parent never says no themselves.

What can this look like? The boundaryless parent:

1. Says yes to their adult child’s requests even to their own detriment (for example, offering time and money far beyond what they can reasonably give).
2. Never injects their own needs into plans with their child.
3. Allows their children to speak to them rudely and never push back.
4. Accepts responsibility for failing to meet their adult child’s unreasonable demands.
5. Gives anything they can to keep the peace in the relationship.
6. Puts others ahead of themselves.

This parent may experience themselves as simply a loving, generous parent. What parent doesn’t want to care for and protect their child? Isn’t it wonderful that they continue to give without restraint? However, adult children report that having a parent who never tells them no presents its own stressors.

The Problem with Boundaryless Parents

Navigating around such a parent is frustrating because the adult child cannot trust that parent to say no and set limits. Adult children of boundaryless parents may avoid asking their parent for favors like babysitting, for example, because they worry about overextending the parent who would never disclose feeling over-extended.

They do not ask for financial help because they worry the parent will offer more than they can afford to give and deny financial constraints. They do not ask for favors like an airport run because they know their parent will come to pick them up, even if it means missing an important meeting at work.

Even the most generous parent needs to signal what is too much for them. Knowing that somebody can and will say no when appropriate plays an important function in adult relationships. It allows us to trust the other person to guard their own well-being. When a parent struggles or refuses to say no, it puts the onus back on the adult child to constantly read for cues that their request may be too much.

Adult children with boundaryless parents also report constantly questioning how their parent really feels because that parent will never insert their own feelings into a conversation or admit to feeling hurt. This can look like a parent never stating their opinion on which cuisine to eat when going out to dinner.

During a conflict, that parent cannot tolerate voicing that their feelings were hurt by their adult child, so they say everything is fine and absorb the hurt. Instead of talking through what hurt the parent, the adult child must become an expert at reading the parent’s cues to try to suss out their feelings and then apologize for a perceived slight that their parent may then deny feeling.

This prevents any true healing between parents and children. Adult children never get to learn what part felt hurtful and avoid it in the future, because the parent will not say.

In its more insidious form, a boundaryless parent can enable children who struggle to function in adult life. Some adult children may take advantage of their parent’s generosity and inability to set boundaries.

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This can take the form of living at home even if the parent has no space, taking money from a parent who cannot afford to give, and draining other important family resources. For adult children suffering from addiction, the boundaryless parent will enable their child’s actions regardless of the consequences. Other family members may eventually step in and try to impose external limits on both the parent and adult child because neither party can be trusted to do so.

Why Parental Boundaries Are Important

Boundaries from parents to children serve an important function. When parents set appropriate boundaries, adult children can trust their parent to look out for themselves and their own needs. Adult children can rest assured that if the parent is upset or cannot babysit, cannot offer financial assistance, or would just prefer Italian over Thai food tonight, their parent will say so.

Instead, boundaryless parents are hard to trust because they never say no, so their yeses may no may not be true yeses. In contrast to the feeling of generosity a boundaryless parent may feel, adult children report how much extra work it creates to take on the work of reading somebody who will not speak up for themselves. It becomes a true gift for those parents to start owning their needs and speaking up for themselves.

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