Child Temperament: What Matters for Parenting

Did you ever wonder why parenting strategies that were so effective with one of your children do not seem to work for the other? Or why approaches that you remember being used by your parents do not work the same for your child or children? The answer most likely has to do with your child’s temperament.

Temperament is a set of biologically based characteristics that include emotional reactions to different situations, objects, or people we encounter, as well as efforts to regulate or mitigate this reactivity. In a book I wrote with Dr. Lili Lengua, Parenting with Temperament in Mind, recently published by the American Psychological Association press, we focus on temperament characteristics that often pose challenges to parents and educators working with young children: Fearful/fearless, Frustration, Impulsivity, Inflexibility.

Fearful/Fearless

Fearful children experience high levels of fear, and are prone to distress and anxiety, typically in situations that are new, unfamiliar, or vague. This means that parents may be faced with crying, whining, or temper tantrums when fearful children are confronted with novel situations, tasks, and people. Fearful children often opt to withdraw from or avoid unfamiliar and uncomfortable situations, which may not be problematic at times. However, consistent accommodation of this tendency to avoid or withdraw means that fearful children do not get the same opportunities, especially new social opportunities, as others. At the same time, fearfulness makes children more careful and more likely to follow rules when they understand them to be for their safety or protection. Fearful children are also likely to be compliant in school or other settings because they want to avoid the threat of getting in trouble.

On the other hand, fearless children generally do not slow down in dangerous situations. We understand this as limited sensitivity to cues of threat, danger, punishment, or so-called non-reward, which means that attention to such details is lacking or not effective. This information simply does not get treated with priority, as it does in individuals with some level of fearful reactivity. It's easy for fearless children to engage in new activities, even ones that present with a degree of physical challenge or potential for injury, and the challenge for caregivers lies in setting appropriate limits effectively.

Frustration

Easily frustrated children also have a difficult time with limits being placed on them, typically in situations wherein their goals are blocked (e.g., they are not allowed to play with a desired object or to participate in an activity they have their heart set on). Frustration can also result from other people doing things “wrong,” that is, not like the child had envisioned or preferred. Although at times it makes sense to just do something in the preferred manner, or to allow a desired activity, consistent accommodation can result in problems if easily frustrated children learn that their angry reactions can get them what they want or get them out of doing things they don’t want to do.

Impulsivity

Impulsive children tend to do first and think second, going after things that they want or activities they experience as rewarding. They often struggle in situations that demand persistence with something they do not inherently find enjoyable, which means that they can appear to avoid putting effort into things, and others may perceive them as lazy. However, it is not that they do not want to put forth the effort per se. They just want to see a payoff for their effort right away, not down the road. This reward-focused behavior may not be a problem but will likely be challenging to parents and educators at times, especially if coupled with fearlessness. In this case, preferred activities may be risky, and limits set on impulsive children are more difficult to enforce without an easily accessible break provided by fear reactivity.

Inflexibility

Inflexible children sometimes struggle with making choices, likely due to more limited executive functions. Because choices can be overwhelming, these children gravitate towards a rigid coping style, avoiding the complexity of decision-making. It is also possible that a rigid pattern of behavior and preferences is primarily driven by fear of uncertainty. Adapting a rigid response style is one way to make things more predictable, and decrease fear and anxiety. It is also possible that limited executive functions and fearfulness work in tandem, leading to inflexibility.

Understanding your child's temperament better can be rewarding, at least this is what I have heard consistently from parents participating in my many research studies. Of course, there is more to this story, both in terms of underlying brain activity and development and more to say about what parents and other adults have at their disposal as tools to address such temperament-related challenges. For information regarding the latter, stay tuned for a companion Psychology Today blog posted by Dr. Lili Lengua.