3 Ways to Make Better Relationship Decisions

Relationships sometimes come to a crossroads that require us to make tough decisions. We may need to figure out whether to continue a relationship as it is, make a new commitment, or go our separate ways. These decisions can feel confusing and isolating. Everyone has advice, but no one can tell you exactly what to do.

That may be partly because big decisions are a process. There isn't one right answer or a quick fix. However, research points to several key steps that can help us make important relationship decisions. In our study about how individuals ended their engagements, Drs. Kale Monk, Jeremy Kanter, Luke Russell, and I analyzed interviews from 30 people to learn about how they made the difficult decision to call off their weddings and end their relationships.

First, let’s consider why it is important to make thoughtful decisions about your relationships. Research shows that making deliberate decisions rather than sliding through relationship transitions leads to very different outcomes. When we do not stop and consider what we need and want, we can easily coast along in a relationship that is not a good fit. If you are presented with an important relationship decision, it is worthwhile to slow down and carefully consider your next steps. Below are some key parts of a thoughtful decision-making process.

1. Visualize the Future Without Rose Colored Glasses

One of the most powerful tools for making decisions is to imagine our lives in the future based on different choices we might make. In the broken engagements study, we found that feeling uncomfortable as they imagined themselves on their wedding day or living day-to-day life as a married couple helped participants realize something was off and do some soul-searching to find out why. Visualizing is one of the ways we know we need to make a decision in the first place.

As in all aspects of thoughtful decision-making, it is important to visualize the future as realistically as possible. Imagining the best possible outcomes might feel good, but it won’t give you clarity about how things might really turn out. Taking a doomsday approach is not all that helpful either, so do your best to use past experiences to help you imagine future realities.

2. Slow Down and Give Yourself Space to Decide

You may need a little space to make a wise decision. Participants in the broken engagements study often found a way to separate temporarily from their partners to gain more clarity about what they wanted. This could mean choosing not to talk for a week or two, going on a vacation alone, staying with friends if the couple was cohabiting, or getting symbolic distance by giving the ring back (or asking for it back).

Creating space to make a decision helps us to focus on what we need and want without the influence of our partners or, in some cases, our friends and family members. Whether that distance is physical or psychological, we often need it to gain clarity about the decision.

3. (Re)consider Red Flags and Constraints

Sometimes we overlook red flags in relationships because we love our partners and want to make things work. We smooth over past hurts and concerns about the future because the idea of being alone or losing our partners is too scary. However, it is important to take time to distinguish between small irritations that we would expect in any partnership and genuine deal-breakers. For example, any kind of abuse or manipulation is a deal-breaker. Abuse often starts in subtle ways that don’t quite seem like abuse, but it is important to learn about early signs and leave the relationship before they escalate.

As you think about red flags, remember that we should feel safe and comfortable being ourselves in our relationships. We should not have to compromise who we are or do things that make us uncomfortable in our relationships. If you don’t have those things, take time to carefully think about why not. Ask yourself if you feel OK experiencing this in your long-term future.

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Another thing to consider is whether you are staying in the relationship because you really want to or because there are too many barriers to leaving. Sometimes we stay because it feels too hard to break up, or we don’t know how to say “no” to moving in or getting engaged. Are you worried about what will happen to your partner if you’re not together? Are you financially tied to them? Do you live together? All of these constraints can make it more difficult to leave a relationship, so it’s important to see them and understand the role they might play in your decision-making.

Conclusion

We asked participants in the broken engagements study to offer some advice to someone in a similar situation to them. The underlying message from nearly everyone was to prioritize yourself. At the end of the day, it is your life. Even if your decision upsets or disappoints others, is inconvenient, or is costly, your first obligation is to yourself. Do your best to protect the feelings of others when you can (especially children), but make big relationship decisions clear-eyed and with your own best interests at heart.

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