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Do you find yourself worried that your partner is interested in someone else? Do you look for clues in their tone of voice, how they dress, what they talk about or what they don’t talk about? Do you wonder what he or she is doing when you are not around? Do you worry more when they are away or when you are away on a business trip? Do you feel especially anxious when you are both socializing with other people—and think that your partner is more interested in talking with someone else than with you?
Perhaps you are thinking that you have become less attractive to your partner, less exciting, less interesting. You may find yourself comparing yourself unfairly with other people, thinking that you have lost your edge and that your partner is searching now for a replacement.
Jealousy is a passionate, powerful and often overwhelming emotion. The derivation of the word jealous comes from the Greek word for zeal. These jealous feelings take over and you often feel lost.
The Jealousy Hijack
If any of these thoughts and feelings ring true, then you are like a lot of people—hijacked by your jealous thoughts and feelings. You want to be reasonable, rational and calm, but the jealousy hijack overwhelms you and your thoughts and feelings are chasing after every imagined threat that your mind can create. This is not to say that your partner is trustworthy—no, it may very well be that your partner is looking around. But the jealousy hijack can take over even if there is nothing going on.
You are plagued by the following thoughts:
- Other people are a threat to your relationship
- Your partner would rather be with someone else
- Your partner can’t be trusted
- You need to know for sure what is really going on
- Any uncertainty can’t be tolerated
- If your partner has any interest in anyone else, then it will all unravel
- You should be the only person in the world that your partner finds interesting or attractive
- Without this relationship your life would be meaningless
Once your thoughts are hijacked, your jealous emotions follow. These include the following:
And, of course, your thoughts and feelings lead you to take action—so that you won’t be surprised, you won’t be duped. Your action includes the following:
- Interrogating your partner
- Checking for information—on social media, on text messages and email
- Following your partner
- Withdrawing to see if they are still interested
- Asking for reassurance that you are still attractive
- Trying to control your partner
Or you think that if you worry about things or ruminate about what has happened you will be able to figure things out, solve the problem, you won’t be surprised, and you can avoid getting hurt. But your worry and rumination make you more anxious and angry which contributes to more jealousy.
Ironically, even though your jealousy is your attempt to protect your relationship, it may be that your actions are driving your partner away.
I will be discussing jealousy in the next few blogs. So check this out so that you can learn why we are jealous and how we can put jealousy in its place.
