The Physiological Benefits of Bullying

Bullying is maybe one of the most irrational and unacceptable aspects of human experience. Everyone at every age, including the bullies, knows that it's wrong. Yet there doesn't seem to be an effective way to solve it. One of the reasons this issue may be so hard to eliminate is that in some ways, being a bully might actually be good for you.

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Anxiety, Power, and Bullying

Humans evolved by interacting with other humans, and connecting with other people is one of the strongest human drives. We also have a deep need for acceptance. This sets up a serious contradiction because our even deeper need is to avoid anxiety.

One common method to reduce our anxiety is to increase our sense of control. Nothing enhances our feeling of control more than by gaining power in some way. This tendency comes out in our interactions with each other; in fact, it dictates much of human relations.

Every child has significantly increased anxiety when they leave home to begin school, regardless of their family situation. They want to be accepted, but there is also the greater need to diminish their fear. The need to get rid of fear and gain power is played out in forming cliques, excluding others, and also in overt bullying.

Researchers did a study of students who have been bullied versus bullies to see if there was any difference in their physiological makeup. They looked at the levels of a substance called C-reactive protein (CRP), which is elevated in the presence of inflammation; it’s often drawn to determine the presence of hidden infection. Chronically elevated levels also indicate a stressed and overactive immune system. It is not desirable to have an elevated CRP.

The study revealed that children who had been bullied had significantly elevated levels of CRP compared to those who had not been bullied. Being bullied as your introduction to the real world is not a great start. What I find even more disturbing is that the level of CRP in bullies was lower than the norm.

As it turns out, there is both a social and physiological reward for possessing more power. How all of this plays out in adulthood is not subtle. Why would you want to give up power and control? Especially when feeling the extreme discomfort of anxiety is the other option. (1)

Every child has a strong need to be accepted, yet what should we make of the fact that it gives him or her more power (and self-esteem) to reject someone else? This is an endless loop, but the root cause is the very solvable problem of anxiety.

I don't know how one can measure the impact of bullying on our society. The suffering encountered at such an early and innocent age is deep, and it's rampant.

I remember a news story about three 16-year-old boys who raped a young girl in the Bay Area. What is much more disturbing is that instead of rallying to support her in a time of extreme distress, her classmates turned on her. A photo went viral. She was verbally abused, both directly and online.

Classmates responded to the photo by writing, “Slut,” and “Will you have sex with me?”

She died from suicide.

One of my colleagues had a son who was bullied badly, beginning at age 7. Nothing seemed to work to stop it. Finally, at age 25, he simply gave up. He could no longer tolerate the relentless anxiety engendered by the experience.

Some observations:

• First, most bullying occurs at a level well below the teachers’ radar. Just being excluded from a group can be devastating. It is not going to be possible to put the responsibility solely on their shoulders.
• Second, our children are at an age where they are discovering and creating their identity. Most of it depends on some type of approval from their peers. For some reason, the approval usually needs to come from the person or group who is the least likely to give it. When someone else defines your identity, that person has power over you.
• Third, people wring their hands and point out that all of this should be done in the family. There are several significant problems with this thinking. The term “dysfunctional family” implies that there are functional families. I have yet to observe a family without some level of dysfunction. Humans consistently have significant, problematic behavioral patterns, and they are most deeply played out in the home setting. Even if a child comes from a more functional family dynamic, they may become easy targets for bullies. They are similar to a domestic animal turned loose into the wild. They either fold or become tough, but neither is great.
• Fourth, there is the argument that school is an important socialization process. However, going into an environment where peace, love, and joy are sacrificed for a false feeling of power does not create a person who is loving and compassionate. School provides an environment for children to learn dysfunctional survival skills. Many studies have shown that behavioral patterns set before age 12 are permanent. Children who were bullies have a high chance of exhibiting aggressive behavior as adults, as well as experiencing chronic pain. Many children who lived with their egos destroyed will live the rest of their lives in fear.
• Fifth, home-schooled children have been shown to do well later in life. My observation of several families that have taken it on is that their children are more creative and thrive without the hierarchy of the schoolroom.
• Sixth, we have a life that any generation prior to a hundred years ago could not imagine. Are we happier and more loving? External possessions and accomplishments don't change human nature. The incidence of chronic pain has skyrocketed in adolescents. (2)
• Finally, there is a high correlation between the ACE score (Adverse Childhood Events) and disability. As pain drives anxiety and frustration, this shouldn't be a surprise. Neural pathways are linked. We are not going to solve the chronic pain problem, which is crippling our society, unless we tackle it, beginning in kindergarten. (3)

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Solutions

Human behavior and survival revolve around avoiding anxiety. We'll do anything to avoid the feeling, including holding on to our pain. Any change creates more anxiety. The key is learning to process and live with anxiety, so as to not have such a need for power.

Neuroscience research has demonstrated the powerful full-body reaction that creates anxiety. You can't control it, but you can calm and re-direct it. Anxiety signals danger and is the pain.

We're also observing the power of the family in programming behaviors. Were you ever a bully? Do you still intimidate your co-workers, colleagues, or family? Could your child's bullying be learned from you? Were you bullied when you were younger? What effects of it might you be bringing into your current life? Do you even want to give up the power of your pain?

You might have a legitimate reason to hold on to remaining upset.

But who's continuing to suffer?

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Awareness

I think almost everyone agrees that bullying is a problem. However, we may not be aware that we might be part of the problem. Try to think about how your behavior might be perceived by those close to you. I can tell you it is a humbling exercise.

A book called The Way to Love, by Anthony DeMello, has had a huge impact on me. DeMello defines love as "awareness." How can you meet someone's needs without understanding them or getting to know who they are? Bullying is the antithesis of awareness, as you are meeting only your own needs.

Although bullying may have some physical health benefits, it destroys the essence of life. Healthy, thriving relationships bathe your body in reward chemicals. When you give back, have a sense of purpose, and enjoy play, your life will be better and healthier in all ways. Commit to your own healing and reach out to heal your family and others. Once we, as a society, treat anxiety with the correct approach, our quality of life will truly improve.