3 Questions Partners Should Ask Each Other

1. Can you tell from my behavior that you’re important to me?

When relationships run on autopilot, everyone feels taken for granted, if not invisible or unheard. That’s mostly because the brain stops consciously processing familiarity. It tunes out familiar sounds, in a kind of white noise effect. (“You never listen to me!”) We notice change, and the change we’re most likely to notice is negative. We’re more likely to focus on—and recall—partners leaving crumbs on the counter than the fact that they add meaning and purpose to our lives.

Unless we intentionally show our partners that they’re important to us, normal brain functioning will suggest the opposite. So the answer to this question may be "no,” which opens a dialogue on how partners can better show each other how important they are.

2. Do you feel that I support and respect you when we disagree?

One surprising finding when happy couples are compared to unhappy couples is that the former sometimes have more arguments and disagreements than the latter. It’s not that arguing makes us happy, it’s that the arguments of happy partners are mostly respectful and seldom devaluing. They attempt to persuade, rather than to coerce through withdrawal of affection or worse. They can express disagreements because, as is rarely the case in unhappy couples, it’s safe to disagree.

So when the answer to this question is “no,” it should open up a dialogue on how partners can maintain value and respect for one another when they disagree. The secret lies in arguing to learn, rather than arguing to win.

In arguing to win, partners regard each other as opponents and undermine or attack each other’s perspective. In arguing to learn, they regard each other as partners, are genuinely interested in each other’s thoughts. They add information to—but don’t try to undermine—each other’s perspective.

3. Do you think our kids know that we use discipline not to punish them but to help them be successful in the future?

Parenting disputes are inevitable; partners have different families of origin, historical experiences, and usually different temperaments. Typically, one parent is more rule-oriented, focused on behavior and achievements of the children, while the other is more nurturing, focused on the emotional and physical needs of the children. Children need both parenting styles, but parents often become more extreme in reaction to each other. They overcompensate for what they see as a partner's “coddling” or “regimenting,” with children caught in the middle.

An answer of "no" to this question opens up a dialogue on how to guide behavior and set limits for children in ways that show respect and caring, with a focus on future correction rather than on past mistakes.

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