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When I was 29, I joined the Navy to be a psychologist. On August 7, 1999, I was Carrie Kennedy, a standard U.S. citizen and financially-impaired graduate student. On August 8, 1999, I became Lieutenant Carrie Kennedy, Naval Officer. The transition from civilian to military officer is a pretty big one and no one can expect you to think about all of the many changes that are going to happen. One thing I didn’t think about when I was commissioned, is that people would address me as Ma’am.
Where I grew up, teachers and your grandmothers are addressed as ma’am (assuming you are on your best behavior) not graduate students. It made me uncomfortable.
Imagine my surprise the first time someone called me Sir.
On the way towards the full integration of women in the military, is a constant string of sub-events that speaks to the state of that integration. And no one prepares you for most of these in officer training. If you are a woman, one of these intangibles is that you will be called sir. Definitely in emails, where you are unseen. But also, to your face.
Why would anyone call a female officer sir?
The first time I was called sir, I’ve got to be honest, I was pretty startled. I was a Lieutenant; I hadn’t been serving for long; I wasn’t even used to being called ma’am yet. I addressed the enlisted Sailor (I believe I said, “um, last time I checked, I was a ma’am”) he turned bright red, apologized, called me ma’am, and then went about his business.
I didn’t think about it much until it happened again, different Sailor. And then a female friend who was clearly pregnant and wearing a maternity uniform was called sir. Why in the world were we being called sir? There were some crystal clear indications that we weren’t sirs.
The sir phenomenon was most profound when I was stationed at a Marine command. What I finally realized was that, they weren’t looking at me, making a conscious assessment, and then determining whether or not to address me as ma’am or sir. The Marines were just going about their business, looking at the rank device and behaving in their standard way. Part of me was grateful when I figured this out; they weren’t seeing me as a woman first, they were treating me like any “normal” officer. Hooray, a step towards equality and inclusion. And of course, part of me cringed, because normal in the military continues to be defined by being male. Foiled again.
Female military officers feel differently regarding what to do about being called sir. I now let it slide every time. I feel that we are naturally moving in the right direction and that this will work itself out.
However, letting it slide is not the stance of all women in the military. Others routinely correct men (and other women) when it happens. Neither approach is right or wrong.
Either way, this is one of those things that is likely to fade as the proportion of women serving in the military increases. For now, I respond to ma'am, or sir.
