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During divorce, a shift in power may occur from parents to the children. Though everyone deserves power consistent with his or her position in a family, during divorce parents often do not perceive that they retain their parenting role as they process changes in response to formal court decisions, changes in living arrangements, and their own adjustments.
Usually the loss of parents maintaining their parenting role has a destructive impact on the children, family, and the home environment. For example, a dad who has moved away from the marital home may feel that he has lost legitimate status with his sons and seek to re-establish relationships by becoming a “friend” with his sons or he may try to win the children’s favor by literally buying their affection. Such actions do not establish genuine authority but instead feign power that children do not respect.
When parents do not execute their parenting responsibility, children assume power inappropriate for kids their age. Parents may feel disempowered by a divorce because of actions of their former spouses, the children themselves, custody arrangements, or their own inaction.
I know I rushed into another relationship; and I don’t know where that relationship will lead. But my children are important to me. I will do anything for them. I was just tired of parenting alone, working, and dealing with all the problems by myself—and there were many…Dealing with the kids alone really has taken a toll on my mental status. —Parent (married nineteen years) *
Children need parents to be parents. Although taking control may be tempting for children, and they may manipulate situations because of “extra benefits,” when authority and structure weaken and break down during divorce, parents need to re-set and retain leadership to execute their needed functions. This requires that they avoid blurring roles, such as confiding in their children, sharing inappropriate information with them, or placing adult responsibilities upon them.
Although families will regroup and redefine their roles during the divorce process, parents do not have to forfeit their identity and actions of how they empower their children. As resources change, a redefinition of responsibilities will understandably occur. Even when disempowered by a court decision or a child’s resistance to recognizing your authority as a parent, you can remain true to your role and do what’s right based on your moral compass and judgment.
When I explain car insurance is the law, and her father states he doesn’t have any, again I am (indirectly) pointing out how her father is not doing what he is supposed to do. This is not my intent, but it is my job as a parent to teach her right from wrong. This co-parenting with an ex-spouse is tough for everyone. —Parent (married four and a half years) *
Establishing and maintaining positive, healthy, and clear boundaries provides solid care for your children. For divorced and intact families alike, again, kids need their parents to be parents. For healthy development, strive to uphold these three principles of positive parenting:
1. Maintain clear goals and values. Focus on your models for guidance and direction in life, draw upon your spiritual supports, and redefine what is important and what provides meaning and definition for you. This empowers you and helps you to direct your children away from possible disorganization and diffusion to time-tested direction and values.
2. Set clear expectations. As a result of divorce, children and parents alike may feel that the family has dissolved. This is not a necessary outcome, but is very damaging when it becomes the living reality for children. Divorce does not have to mean an end to the family; it’s can be a transition in the family’s development, requiring redefinition. Your ability to guide this process in a positive direction is essential for your children’s well-being.
Children need structure and support for their development; the family is an ideal matrix to support both continuity and direction. Assure your children of their secure place by confirming that through their experiences with you they find support in the family’s changed situation.
Parents going through divorce often feel that there are serious efforts remain futile, as they import emotional supplies to the family that get lost through dwindle because of the stress of daily living, including complicated schedules, multiple sets of rules, and inconsistencies or lack of routine. This may well be part of the extraordinary cost of divorce imparts and reason for which you will need to work harder to maintain your family.
My father made sure we still had memories together, whether it was riding around on bicycles or having our annual movie night. It may not have been our ideal situation, but he gave it his all—the life he knew we deserved. —Eighteen-year-old (age seven at the time of parents' divorce) *
3. Discuss rules and regulations for your home supported by appropriate rewards and consequences. Do not forgo consequences by not addressing problems that occur, as you similarly should not forgo rewarding your children’s achievements. Your response and judgments are part of maintaining your parental role. As a leader in your home, It is essential to provide clarity about the structure and process, as well as rules, rewards, and consequences.
I have a lot of friends that lose it, and I did too for a while, but my mom is old school. She didn’t take my crap. Though sometimes at night I would hear her cry and mourn, you would never know that anything was wrong. She handled it all and kept the three of us in line and on the straight and narrow. I know what my mom went through. She is the strongest person I know. —Twenty-year-old (age sixteen at the time of parents' divorce) *
Power imbalances created in response to divorce can derail the family. However, you are empowered to make your choices —albeit not the only voice. Although power imbalances creep up into families during divorce, when parents maintain their leadership roles, responding to the needs of the restructured family, the family can find balance, such that essential work and connectedness of healthy family process and momentum returns.
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* The participants quoted herein are among more than 10,000 children of divorce and parents who divorced, reported in the Study of Divorce, featured in my upcoming book, Collateral Damage (HarperCollins, to be released January, 2017). This book examines how parents may best protect and reaffirm their family following divorce and strengthen relationships with their children.
John T. Chirban, Ph.D., Th.D., is a part-time lecturer at Harvard Medical School and author of Collateral Damage: Guiding and Protecting Your Child Through the Minefield of Divorce (HarperCollins, 2017). For more information visit drchirban.com.
