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Key points
- Contra-dating is about intentionally dating people outside or even the opposite of your "normal type."
- It can expand your dating pool and expose you to things that you haven't been exposed to before.
- Consider going "contra" on appearance, hobbies, interests, location and other superficial characteristics.
- Figure out what your true core values and must-haves are. Don't go "contra" on these kinds of things.
You may have heard the term "contra-dating" being bandied about on social media and various dating sites and forums. This term is not about encouraging you to bring contraceptives to all of your dates. Instead, contra-dating has been defined as intentionally dating people outside or even the opposite of your "normal type." It's basically going for people whom you normally would not even consider, which, in turn, could significantly increase your dating pool.
In general, expanding your dating pool can be good, especially if the whole dating thing hasn't quite worked out for you so far. Two very common reasons for misfiring on dating are being too picky or consistently going for the wrong type of person. "Contra-dating" can shake things up and help you see if either of these are indeed problems for you and help surmount them.
After all, didn't Albert Einstein or someone smart like that define insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Why not, then, go "contra" to what you've been doing all along? Well, it depends on contra to what?
"Contra-date" on looks and appearance
Have you been unnecessarily narrowing your dating pool by only going for people with a certain look or ethnic or racial background? If so, you've got to ask yourself why. Will blonde hair comfort you when you are down? Will a set of six-pack abs listen to you when you want to talk? Will looking at a certain skin color give you relief when you are suffering a crisis?
No, it's the stuff that's inside a person that ultimately matters, meaning their personality and values and not their organs. Now, I know, I know, you may say, "But I can't help it. I am just not attracted to people with such and such hair, such and such skin color, etc."
Well, where did all that come from in the first place? Keep in mind that your preference for a particular appearance is typically the result of what you've been exposed to so far. That includes what you've seen in movies, television, magazines, social media, and advertising, put together by those who may not care about your happiness and want you to go after people who look like, surprise, surprise, them.
Why not, then, try dating someone who looks very different from your typical preferences? Heck, such preferences can change over time with experience and exposure.
"Contra-date" on hobbies, interests, and other preferences
So what if your partner doesn't dance the Bossa Nova, insists on doing The Sprinkler on the dance floor, or likes the musical group Nickelback? OK, maybe the last one is inexcusable, but you get the picture.
People often will limit their dating pool based on interests that ultimately may not matter that much. You and your partner don't have to have the same or even similar interests. If you really want to dance the Bossa Nova, you can always do so with your other friends and colleagues.
Plus, a partner with different interests can expand your horizons. Eventually, you may even learn to like what the other person likes, such as, gasp, Nickelback.
"Contra-date" on location
Still sticking to the same locations to find your one and only, like the nightclub and the nightclub and, oh, the nightclub? Do you somehow think that your soul mate will automatically be in the same zip code as you? How's that working out for you?
Location, location, location may be the mantra in real estate. But don't let it limit you. The right match for you may not be in the same neighborhood, city, state, country, or even hemisphere. So one way to contra-date is to open yourself up to people who are further away and be willing to travel. Adapt the opening of the Star Trek TV series. Go where you haven't gone before.
Don't "contra-date" on core values and other must-haves
There are some things you shouldn't go opposite on, though. For example, you probably won't want to say, "Enough of this 'have morals' thing," or start going for narcissists because this find-a-kind-person thing hasn't worked out so far. No good will come out of dating someone who is no good for you.
This is probably a good time to review all of your must-haves when it comes to dating. See how musty each of these may or may not have become. Narrow this list to the true must-haves, such as core values.
Too often, dating mismatches occur because people are focused on the wrong things. If your primary focus is on a particular facial feature, hair or skin color, body type, or job, then that is what you are primarily going to get. Remember, good people and good matches for you could come in all kinds of colors, shapes, sizes, and locations. If you've never really gone outside your comfort zone, you may not even realize what you indeed will be comfortable with in the long run.
Therefore, contra-dating is not about dating the opposite of what's right for you. It's about dating the opposite of what you have been doing so that you can better figure out what's right for you.
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