How to Make the Decision to Divorce

Feelings come and go, and this life-changing decision requires clear thinking. Give yourself the time you need.

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Sandy (not her real name) sits in my office week after week, trying to make a decision. “It’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make,” she says. As a manager at a tech company, she makes tough decisions every day, but, “Those decisions are easy, I just weigh the options and I don’t get so emotional about it.”

Deciding whether to divorce is both extremely emotional and extremely complicated. Sandy sought therapy for help in considering and reflecting on all of the issues. She hoped for that “moment of clarity.” Unless there are issues of safety, there is usually no quick or clear answer, but here are some steps I guided her to take while trying to make the decision:

1. Reflect on your feelings: What brought you to this point? Was there a specific trigger, or did something happen that felt like a “last straw”? Journaling will help you explore your emotions. Sandy says she’s been unhappy for a long time, but stayed until her children were grown. Now, she wonders, “Can I be free?” We discuss the effects of divorce on adult children.
2. Open communication: Talk openly and honestly with your spouse about your concerns and feelings. Sandy, like many of my clients, spent years sweeping problems under the rug, assuming that they’d go away or, “We’ll deal with them when the kids are grown.” Now she’s intimidated by the prospect of direct communication with her spouse. I ask her to share with her husband her feelings, thoughts, desires, and any changes she wants to see in their relationship. She anxiously writes a list of “talking points” and asks him to “just listen,” and not respond until he’s had time to think about it. Sandy reports that talking does make her feel better when she finds some common ground with him. But her discontent doesn’t go away.
3. Seek professional help: Can your issues be resolved through direct communication with your spouse? If not, consider consulting with a marriage counselor or therapist. Sandy seeks my unbiased perspective, help to explore her options, and assistance in improving her communication and problem-solving skills. She says, “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that,” a few times when I raise new possibilities. Sandy is a thoughtful woman and wants to leave “no stone unturned.” We talk about how to invite her spouse to join her in couples therapy.
4. Is reconciliation realistic? I ask Sandy whether she and her spouse are willing to invest the time, effort, and commitment required to rebuild the relationship. I tell her that marriage can sometimes be revitalized when both spouses are willing to work on it. The problem, I tell her, is that so many couples wait much too long. The marital flame has dwindled to embers or died out. Another problem, I think to myself, is that even couples who want to stay together and are willing to work for it, often cannot resolve their differences. Some decide to separate and others decide to live with their differences.
5. Think long term: What are the potential long-term consequences of staying in or leaving the marriage? When Sandy is flooded with emotions it is very hard for her to think about how her decision could affect her future emotional well-being, financial stability, and overall happiness. When I ask her to consider the impact on her children (now adults) she starts to cry. Despite her worries about the future, she is most concerned about her children.
6. Seek support from trusted family and friends: Sandy’s family provides emotional support and guidance during this time, but she has to ask them to not give her advice. We talk about how to set appropriate boundaries, and she develops more confidence in her ability to assert herself. She wants the decision to be hers alone. She says, “They all have different perspectives and want to help me navigate this decision-making process. I ask them to please just let me talk for now, and I’ll ask for their advice when I want it.”
7. Prioritize self-care: Sandy takes daily walks with her dog and has stopped drinking alcohol. “That’s not forever,” she says. “I just realize I think more clearly when I haven’t been drinking.” Each week we assess her physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. She recommits to activities that bring her joy. She meditates and journals to practice self-reflection. She acknowledges her personal growth, although she still hasn’t decided about the future of her marriage.

As Sandy continues to vacillate, work through her feelings, and get to a place of clarity, I ask her if there is an impasse we need to explore. Is there something that makes this decision an impossible one to make? I ask how long she thinks she can live in this “limbo” without a decision. I assure her that she needs to take all the time she needs to make the decision, but that it will never be a black-and-white decision.

I ask her to imagine what her life might look like five years from now, and whether she will have any regrets. We explore her fears about whether she leaves the marriage or stays in the marriage.

Thinking through these 7 factors will help you make your decision. Seek consultation with an experienced therapist if you are still unsure.

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Sandy has now had about 10 sessions with me. She still isn’t sure what she wants to do. But she has learned to calm herself when she is triggered and continues to talk openly with her spouse about their relationship, with some positive changes. They have found a marital therapist and set up their first appointment. She feels stronger now—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. She is moving toward clarity.

To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

© Ann Buscho, Ph.D. 2023