How to Stay True to Yourself

Who would have expected the woman who invented modern style to predict the nature of our lives more than 50 years after her death in Paris at the age of 88? Yet Chanel had it right: We are craving authenticity now more than we have in anyone’s memory.

American culture, idealizing honesty and truth, has always put a high value on authenticity. “Truth, justice, and the American way” was Superman’s original motto, after all. But you’d have to be living under a rock not to recognize that something has changed. Surveys reveal that consumers, tired of the manipulation of their needs and desires by marketers, celebrity endorsers, and paid influencers, are yearning for authenticity. In TED talks, conferences, and publications, the business world has declared itself in need of “authentic leadership,” which is deemed to integrate the whole self, motivate others, and inspire success.

That just scratches the surface. Confusion and unpredictability reach deeper into our being as the external environment we inhabit becomes, for everyone, more multifaceted, fragmented, and fluid: Once stable and unitary structures (family, religion, national identity, gender) diversify. Mis- and disinformation fracture understanding of current events, even those we see with our own eyes. Young people especially are pushing the boundaries of identity, self-concept being more malleable than ever with the explosion not merely of nonbinary categories but identities drawn on sheer fantasy (hello, Furries and cosplay).

Virtual and augmented realities merge simulated and synthetic experiences with everyday life or immerse us fully into simulations, while artificial intelligence (AI) both enhances and distorts reality, making us doubt our own senses and forcing us to redefine what it means to be a person, what self itself means.

An unreliable truth environment creates difficult psychological times. Facts that no generation anywhere in the world had to think twice about before are questioned (and fought over) today.
Authenticity promises to be a raft of stability in an increasingly protean sea. It is not simply the sine qua non of healthy psychological functioning—influencing self-esteem, coping ability, meaningful goal pursuit, and much more—but also the foundation of shared reality, the bedrock of social life. If nothing else, it holds out to individuals the promise of a personally meaningful existence.

Just What Is Authenticity?

Our personalities are far from singular: The most avowed humanitarian may at times grapple with hateful thoughts toward fellow beings. We all have masculine and feminine sides, introverted and extroverted ways of relating, emotional and stoic ways of reacting. Who we are is made up of different, often contrasting and even contradictory aspects. Authenticity is a unifying force in the constantly changing stream of experience.

“As people function with greater authenticity, they become more aware of the fact that they possess these multifaceted self-aspects and strive to integrate them into a cohesive self-structure,” wrote psychologists Michael H. Kernis and Brian M. Goldman in Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, in defining authenticity and developing a way of measuring it. The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.

Authenticity is also a feeling, and, research shows, it feels awfully good. Yet feeling inauthentic (or even like an imposter) also seems part of development as we nurture new parts of ourselves across the lifespan. What, then, does authenticity mean? You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself? Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.

In getting to the heart of authenticity, Kernis and Goldman reviewed, distilled, and tested decades of scholarly work in philosophy, sociology, and, ultimately, psychology. From Aristotle to Sartre, they extracted an array of mental and behavioral processes that account for how individuals “discover, develop, and construct a core sense of self and, furthermore, how this core self is maintained over time and situation.”

If their definition of authenticity sounds simple— “the unimpeded operation of one’s core or true self in one’s daily enterprise”—it actually encompasses four distinct facets of activity: awareness, distortion-free (or unbiased) mental processing, ways of behaving, and relational orientation. The facets extend beyond the value of authenticity for establishing existential trust and safety to the role it plays in the texture of everyday living.

Awareness

Do you know what type of foods you like and dislike? Do you know what situations are apt to bring out your talkative side? How knowledgeable are you about your propensities and characteristics? Awareness of oneself is a critical component of healthy functioning. And it is where authenticity starts. Self-knowledge underlies both behaving authentically and relating authentically to others.

The awareness component of authenticity reflects your knowledge of, and trust in, your motives, feelings, desires, and self-relevant cognitions. It includes awareness of your strengths and weaknesses, personality, powerful emotions, and their roles in behavior. It embraces acceptance of the complex and even potentially contradictory self-aspects (introverted and extraverted you). Use the following statements as prompts for assessing your strengths and weaknesses:

“I am often confused about my feelings.”

“I am able to distinguish those self-aspects that are important to my core or true self from those that are unimportant.”

“I am in touch with my motives and desires”.

“I actively attempt to understand myself as best as possible.”

Unbiased Processing

How objective are you in processing positive or negative information about yourself, your internal experiences, and private knowledge? How do you handle evaluative information about yourself from external sources? The ability to engage in unbiased processing reflects the absence of “interpretive distortions,” and a lack of ego defense mechanisms when taking in information about yourself. Are you fragile, naturally inclined to seek shelter in self-serving biases in the face of failure? Unbiased processing of information contributes to an accurate sense of self, and it undergirds behavioral choices that will further self-development.

You can claim authenticity in functioning if there is minimal to no denial, distortion, exaggeration, or ignoring of private knowledge, internal experiences, and externally based self-evaluative information. You display objectivity and acceptance with respect to your strengths and weaknesses.

Interestingly, the researchers found, people high in unbiased processing do not engage in harsh self-criticism but exhibit self-compassion when taking in even negative information about themselves. Biased vs. unbiased processing reveals itself in responses to such statements as:

“I am very uncomfortable objectively considering my limitations and shortcomings.”

“I tend to have difficulty accepting my personal faults, so I try to cast them in a more positive way.”

“I often deny the validity of any compliments that I receive.”

Behavior

It takes accurate self-knowledge and clear-eyed processing of self-relevant information to lead to authenticity in behavior—acting in ways congruent with your values, preferences and needs, not acting to please others or attain rewards or avoid punishment. Acting in accordance with your true self does not guarantee always being in step with the dictates of your social environment, but it does presume awareness of the implications of the behavioral choices you make.

Neither is behavioral authenticity the reflection of a compulsion to be one’s true self. It is more the natural expression of the other internal components of authenticity. And because behavioral authenticity arises from internal self-knowledge, those who score high in behavioral authenticity are not given to extensive social comparison, studies show.

Behavioral authenticity (or lack of it) reveals itself as you ponder such statements as:

• “I am willing to change myself for others if the reward is desirable enough.”
• “I rarely, if ever, put on a ‘‘false face’’ for others to see.”
• “I am willing to endure negative consequences by expressing my true beliefs about things.”

Relational Orientation

How much do you want close others to know the real you—and how easy do you make it for them to do so? The relational-orientation component of authenticity involves valuing and striving for openness and truthfulness in close relationships.

It’s important for others to see the deep, dark, or potentially shadowy self-aspects that are not routinely discussed. In addition, relational authenticity opens the door not only to feelings of being “known” by intimates but also to accurate perception of others. And it fosters secure attachment.

Relational authenticity is assessed by response to such statements as:

• “I tend to idealize close others rather than objectively seeing them as they truly are.”
• “If asked, people I am close to can accurately describe what kind of person I am.”
• “People close to me would be shocked or surprised if they discovered what I keep inside.”

Passport to Growth

Authenticity doesn’t just feel good. It is the keystone of personal growth. In studies by a number of researchers, high authenticity correlates with well-being, accuracy of perception, and improved functioning in all domains.

The reduced defensiveness that marks authenticity reflects a reduction in the perception of threat to self-image or self-feelings, diminishing stress load. Studies comparing those who are high in authenticity and those who are low show that the high-scorers have less of a need to blame others or engage in verbal defensiveness in the face of “self-threatening information.”

In addition, authenticity tracks with greater adaptive coping, including active coping and planning. There’s minimal maladaptive coping, with less venting, behavioral disengagement, mental disengagement, substance use, and denial.

Because those high in authenticity are able to integrate different, even contradictory, aspects of themselves, they have an enhanced self-concept and the ability to function in various social roles. Authenticity also tracks with important aspects of mindfulness, including being able to sustain nonjudgmental attention. People showing greater authenticity also tend to view change in constructive ways and are more likely to endorse incremental change rather than unrealistic leaps prone to failure.

Ultimately, the disposition to authenticity correlates with alignment of all aspects of living with one’s true self—known in the psych biz as “self-concordance” and the very definition of eudaemonic well-being. It’s the outgrowth of meaningful pursuit of valued goals based in deeply held core beliefs. Authentic people are likely to satisfy their most fundamental psychological needs.

Developing Authenticity

With its source of faith in oneself, authenticity can be a powerful antidote to and guiding light through the cultural chaos of the moment. If authenticity is so wonderful, you might reasonably ask: Why isn’t everyone authentic? Because, say Kernis and Goldman, some self-knowledge can be painful. It hurts to know you are not as talented or socially gifted as you’d hoped.

And while the lack of psychological defensiveness that comes with authenticity is generally a good thing, such unbiased processing leaves people vulnerable to encountering unpleasant information about themselves. Twisting self-relevant information into a positive take is, for some, a far more necessary course.

There is no system in place, no blockchain, for ensuring authenticity. Nonetheless, a strong case can be made that psychotherapy in general serves to increase authenticity, although that is rarely the stated goal.

Psychotherapy, after all, is the one place you can—and perhaps “should”—be honest. Therapy often serves as a place for people to find themselves, discover who they are, get in touch with their “true self,” and eschew a“false self.” Therapy is a place where defenses, distortions, and dis-integrations are identified and remedied.

In different ways, various therapeutic approaches develop at least one of the core factors that make up authenticity. Mindfulness and compassion-based approaches, as well as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Motivational Interviewing, for example, increase capacity for nonjudgmental self-recognition and kindness while building intrinsic motivation and goal pursuit.

Merging insight with behavior change, psychodynamic therapies increase self-awareness. They catalyze development through understanding of how defenses distort perception of oneself and relationships.

Important as authenticity is, even in this moment of history, it is, to a degree, an impossible goal—because we always have the need to change and adapt, and taking on the new always feels less authentic than clinging to the old. This is what psychologist Herminia Ibarra, the Charles Handy professor of organizational behavior at London Business School, calls “the authenticity paradox.”

It always feels uncomfortable to grow even as we embrace change, and people commonly have the experience of feeling inauthentic until they grow into a role. And we are all, one hopes, continually evolving as understanding and circumstances change.

Moving beyond one’s comfort zone invariably triggers a countervailing impulse to protect one’s identity, says Ibarra. Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.

Better a slightly loose-fitting approach—“adaptively authentic” is the way Ibarra puts it—than maintaining an unwavering view of self.

Grant Hilary Brenner is a psychiatrist, organizational consultant, photographer, author, speaker, entrepreneur, and disaster responder living in New York City.

Owning Yourself in a Socially Mediated Age

The very act of documenting one’s life digitally constrains development of an authentic identity.

By Hara Estroff Marano

"It happened so young,” my granddaughter Helena, 19 and a college sophomore, shared with me. “The last memories I have of thinking about myself first, rather than how I came off to other people, were in the fourth or fifth grade. I have no way of knowing how much I lost. In what ways did I not develop the cool parts of my persona? Having grown up with social media, my generation will never have the security of knowing whether they developed as they otherwise would have.”

Psychologist Sherry Turkle, chronicler of the human-technology relationship, warned us. We expect digital technology to deliver us, and it can’t. The huge irony of social media, Turkle mentioned in her 2012 book, Alone Together, is that it often alienates us from others. We’re only now getting the full measure of how it can also put us at odds with ourselves.

In a culture where certainty about what is real and what is not has been shattered on many fronts, social media is making its own contribution to distortion. For Helena and the generation whose social awakening coincided with the rise of social media, self-discovery and carving an individual identity—major tasks of adolescence and early adulthood—have become extraordinarily challenging.

Learning by social comparison is a time-tested instrument of human growth, and it’s normally pervasive in adolescence. But given the sea of social performance that social media has become, it is now more a weapon of mass destruction.

Viewers’ brains assume that a person’s postings are reflections of their real life—even when they know at some level that they’re seeing a carefully cultivated presentation of self. A generation already psychologically fragile, thanks to contemporary styles of overparenting, is left reeling in self-doubt. Further, it has been robbed of what every cohort before it was allowed to do—just be themselves. They are struggling to figure out what the heck that is.

Disrupted by Documentation

“Invent the ship and you invent the shipwreck,” declared cultural theorist Paul Virilio. Given the acceleration of reality it encodes and abets, each iteration of technology contains a unique form of disaster. It’s not just unavoidable social comparison that wounds those on social media. It’s the permanence of the postings. It keeps them stuck, unable to grow into their full selves, and defending what would otherwise be an outdated identity. In short, the very conditions of social media erode authenticity.

As if the processes of self-discovery and identity development aren’t complicated enough under ordinary circumstances, says New York psychologist Leora Trub, “the ubiquitous, public, and indelible nature of social media” impedes people from finding and prioritizing “private and low-stakes spaces for exploring identity.” Before social media, young people could experiment with identity to discover what fit, and what they said and did left little trace. They didn’t have to make a commitment to any particular personal experiment. There was no pressure to be accountable for every expression of identity—no pressure to stay “on brand.”

Growing up today, however, Trub observes, “everything is documented. What isn’t documented isn’t meaningful or real.” But the documentation is not only public and permanent, it’s ever-searchable and inviting of evaluation by others. Even while someone may be sleeping, a vast network of others can be judging the authenticity of their public display. The precise term is vanity metrics. “It isn’t just How many likes did I get? but How many other people are going to see how many likes I got?” says Trub, an associate professor of psychology at Pace University who studies media behavior.

“Unlike teenagers in the 80s and 90s depicted in cheesy TV shows and movies,” says Helena, “the vast majority of my generation couldn’t afford to have horrendous phases, atrocious looks, because every phase we had was permanently documented. We had this production of ourselves, visible to all, that we had to protect. Because most people want to be accepted, we lacked the experimental phase for testing personalities. We just moved forward more homogeneously without having our own unique experiences.”

When you’re developing a sense of self in that context, you’re not spending much time thinking about what’s important to you—you’re thinking about what other people value. It’s a setup for feelings of insecurity or failure or rejection—whatever a person’s psychic fault line. Being on social media never radically changed her mood, reports Helena. “It deflates you bit by bit. It’s not that I got jealous of anyone, but I began to loathe myself even for caring about it all.”

“It’s an illusion that you can create social media that will really be about authenticity,” Trub notes. Managing a public self is disorienting. But the metrics of recognition and apparent validation keep people trapped at it.

Cultivating a Substantive Self

It is possible to navigate identity development in 2023 and beyond, but it requires time away from social media. It takes at least some solitude. To know how to be yourself, you need time to be with yourself, says Trub, who has created a curriculum for kids and parents that goes way beyond internet safety to tackle the challenges to personal
development.

Alone time allows you to think about what matters to you. It provides a zone that is free of judgment. It breeds self-awareness and personal growth.

Trub also insists that developing and maintaining real, embodied relationships that operate in real time is essential for identity development. They’re nurturing. They provide true social support and validation and allow room for experimentation free of the judgment juggernaut. The direct experience builds a sense of accomplishment for a self to stand on. And relationships enable understanding of one’s own emotional patterns and reactivity.

Helena now restricts her own exposure to social media. She uses only an Instagram account, sets a daily limit of 45 minutes, and asked a roommate to create the passcode, so she has no way of getting sucked in after catching up with friends. “I’m just not spending mindless moments looking at other people. I don’t have to fight a battle with myself that was created by others for me—before my generation and I were developmentally ready.”

Submit your response to this story to letters@psychologytoday.com.

Pick up a copy of Psychology Today on newsstands now or subscribe to read the rest of this issue.

Facebook/LinkedIn image: PeopleImages.com - Yuri A/Shutterstock