A Reason to Reach Out

Engaging in meaningful conversations with others strengthens social bonds and boosts well-being far more than does small talk. Yet many people dread or even actively avoid intimate conversations, especially with those they don’t know well. Why are we so reluctant to engage in an activity that could benefit us so acutely? According to new research, it may be due to miscalibrated expectations, and changing them could foster deeper connection.

In a series of studies published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, participants either engaged in “shallow” conversations (speaking, for example, about their sleep schedule or how often they get haircuts) or “deep” discussions (covering embarrassing moments, what they’re grateful for, or when they last cried). Before chatting, they predicted how awkward and uncomfortable the conversation would be, how close they would feel to their conversation partner afterward, and how much they would enjoy the interaction.

Participants consistently overestimated the awkwardness of the conversations; this miscalculation was especially significant for the “deep” discussions. They also greatly underestimated how much they’d enjoy the more intimate conversations, as well as how close they’d feel to their partner. Participants who had both shallow and deep discussions enjoyed the latter more and felt more connected afterward.

The disparity between participants’ expectations and their actual experience seemed rooted in the assumption that conversation partners wouldn’t care about the details of their lives. “We underestimate, essentially, how social others are,” explains study author Nicholas Epley, a psychologist at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. “As a result, we underestimate how positive it will be when we reach out and try to connect.”

Such an assumption could be a barrier to forming deeper connections with others, Epley speculates. Yet participants appeared able to course-correct. When they were told ahead of time that it’s common to underestimate how much strangers care about each other, they voluntarily steered the talks into deeper directions, potentially reaping the benefits of doing so.

A single reminder likely isn’t enough to permanently change miscalibrated assumptions, Epley warns. But making the effort to engage in just a few positive interactions could help someone mentally reset. “After having a meaningful conversation, people usually want to have another one,” he says—in other words, they learn the benefits that intimacy can bring. “But you can learn only from experiences that you have,” he adds. “If you think it will be unpleasant to talk to someone and therefore never try, you’ll never find out that you were wrong.”