Unconventional Wisdom: Edgy Sex

About a year ago, I had a sexual partner who was very rough in bed, and it was life-changing for me. Since then, other men have not done it for me. Is this indicative of something in my character? And should I try to repress my yearning for this type of sex?

No, rough sex is not indicative of any character flaw. There is no law of human nature that prescribes any one way that sex must be. Just as people are almost infinitely variable in their likes and dislikes of everything from cars to clothes to foods, so it is with sex (if not more so).

I am not sure what you include in "rough sex," but I am presuming it does not involve the intention to inflict enduring physical pain or bruising. If it does, that is an entirely different matter. Good sex is always an interplay of a certain kind of pain and pleasure, and the boundary between them is as organically ever-shifting as our moods.

If the sex is hurtful to either person, if it is used by a partner to achieve his goals at the cost of your safety, it is debasing and demeaning. Once the novelty of the experience wears off, you will begin to feel used, and that feeling will corrode your self-respect. That is not anyone's definition of a healthy relationship, which is one that is based on mutual respect and caring and that gives both partners equal shots at what they want. You don't want a partner who engages in rough sex because he has no respect for women or because it pleases him to hurt women for some private purpose. That's sadism.

Sex should be a positive activity, a way to express attraction, affection, and desire, not one that degrades either participant. There is nothing inherently degrading about rough sex if both people enjoy it. It's not a desire you should feel the need to suppress.

Then again, it's probably not the kind of thing you want to blurt out on a first date—just as you probably wouldn't break the ice by going on about other intimate preferences until you're in an intimate conversation or a close encounter.

Here's the most important thing about rough sex—or any other kind of sex, or anything else, for that matter. It's absolutely essential that when you find a person who enjoys having sex just the way you do, that person has flexibility in his sexual repertoire. There will be times when rough sex is what you want. I can guarantee there will also be times when you want tender sex, too. Or quick sex. Or mindless sex. Or headache-curing sex. A partner who can have sex only one way is someone who is stuck in a behavioral rut for some deep-seated reason. Then the behavior has a compulsive quality and is not engaged in as a means of love or pleasure but only as a way of relieving anxiety or other distress.

Do not repress your yearning for this type of sex. And do bring up your enjoyment of it with a new partner, but at the right time. There are many fine people who also enjoy rough sex. Make sure you choose someone who engages in it for the excitement and pleasure of both parties, not because he can't get aroused or have an orgasm any other way.