Final Analysis: The Narcissist Gives the Eulogy

I first met the deceased at the middle school football team tryouts. Naturally, I made the team, but the deceased didn't. He was a great sport, and he made a great waterboy throughout my stellar career.

In fact, that's why I nicknamed him "Waterboy." His nickname for me was "God." Just kidding.

Throughout my days as a star athlete, I could count on Waterboy to bring me my towel and refreshments, which helped me to play well, always. Thank you, dearly departed Waterboy.

In high school, Waterboy started dating Janet, the most beautiful girl in our class. Fortunately for me, the deceased didn't seem to mind Janet dumping him for me. And now Janet is my lovely wife sitting right over there with our three lovely children. Love ya, honey.

Luckily for me, and my lifelong friendship with him, which lasted his whole life, Waterboy gave me a job when I got the ax at Dickerson, Fritz, and Fogarty. Why do they hire hot secretaries in the first place?

And this is now, when I have to say my last good-bye to Waterboy.

I'm going to keep this short, because nobody likes long speeches. My lovely wife told me I must not talk about myself. What did she expect? For Chrissake, this is a eulogy!

And, I forgive you for not asking me to speak here today, but I knew I just had to talk about my great friendship with the deceased, which as I said lasted his whole life.

I know, more than anything, Waterboy, you're going to miss me.