Blogger Spotlight: Are You Single at Heart?

I'm 58 and a lifelong single person. I love living single. Always have. For a while, though, I kept expecting that feeling to change. For the first decade or so of my adult life, as I watched so many of my peers clamor to get into the Married Couples Club, I figured that eventually, I too would be eager to join. What I learned about myself over time was that I was single because I wanted to be single. The realization was affirming and liberating. I'm single at heart.

Are you single at heart too? It is not a question that Americans are accustomed to asking themselves. American culture is saturated with matrimania, the over-the-top hyping of weddings and coupling and marriage. Magazine racks groan under the weight of the wedding issues. Reality TV brings us the likes of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, while dramas predictably build to climactic wedding episodes. Advertisers use wedding themes to sell not just relevant products such as tuxedos and jewelry, but paper towels, candy bars, and even beer.

One of the most enduring myths about single people is that what they want, more than anything else, is to become unsingle. But a recent Pew survey, for example, found that 55 percent of unmarried Americans said that they were not in a committed relationship and that they were not looking for one.

The choices people are making about how to live their lives are also challenging the asusmption that everyone wants to be coupled. For decades, just about every new Census Bureau report has documented an increase in the number and percentage of people who are divorced or widowed or have always been single. There are currently about 100 million Americans who are unmarried. That's 45 percent of all adults. Americans now spend more years of their adult lives unmarried than married. Knock on any door at random and you are less likely to find a household composed of mom, dad, and kids than a single person living solo.

When scholars and reporters try to explain the rise of singles, they offer many explanations that capture part of the truth. For example, there are more younger single people than there used to be because adults today often wait until they have completed their education before marrying. The interpretation that is almost never suggested is this one: Maybe more people are staying single because they like it, and because it is more possible now to live a full, complete, and joyful life as a single person than ever before.

After years of talking to other people, studying single life, and living single, I think I know what it means to be single at heart, although definitive research has not yet been conducted.

Demographically, single at heart knows no boundaries. Your gender or sexual orientation doesn't matter. You may even be married, and just realizing that deep down inside, single is your natural state. As for what does define the single at heart, the questions in this quiz capture my understanding.

1. When you think about spending time alone, what thought comes to mind first?

a. "Ah, sweet solitude!"

b. "Oh, no, I might be lonely!"

2. How do you feel about searching for a long-term romantic partner?

a. Maybe it feels like something you "should" do, but you are not really all that interested.

b. The process may or may not be exciting and fun, but a successful outcome would be great.

3. When you are thinking about making a big change in your life, such as embarking on a new career, which do you prefer?

a. Making the decision that feels right to you, without worrying about whether a partner would approve or whether your decision might stand in the way of a partner's goals.

b. Making the decision with a partner, even if that means that you do not pursue your favorite option.

4. Many couples expect to be each other's "plus-one" for just about every occasion. How do you feel about that?

a. You prefer to sometimes attend events on your own, sometimes with other people, and sometimes just to stay home.

b. You take comfort in having a person in your life who is obligated to be your plus-one, even though you'll be obligated to be your partner's plus-one at events that you might prefer to skip.

5. When you go to sleep at night, there might not be anyone else in bed with you. Or there may be different people with you on different nights. How does that make you feel?

a. You are fine with that.

b. You would not like that.

6. Ideally, who would be the most important adults in your life?

a. You might prefer to have a mix of important people, such as friends, family, and coworkers.

b. Your spouse (or long-term romantic partner) would be the most important person to you.

7. When you are tempted to allow yourself your favorite indulgence, such as eating junk food or watching trashy TV, how do you feel?

a. Delighted to do exactly as you wish, with no one else around.

b. You prefer to have a spouse at your side, either to join you in your sloth or badger you to exert more self-control.

8. When you want to pursue lofty goals such as eating well or reading great books, which would you prefer?

a. Pursuing those plans on your own or with a friend.

b. Having a partner who will pursue those plans along with you.

9. When you have had some minor mishap, such as a fender-bender, how do you feel?

a. You would be relieved not to have to explain to anyone else why you messed up.

b. You want to have a partner to go home to and tell all about it.

10. Are you self-sufficient? Do you like handling problems and challenges mostly on your own?

a. Yes

b. No

Scoring:

Count the number of times you chose "a."

0 to 3: You may have some glimmers of appreciation for single life, but your heart is not really in it.

4 to 6: You like many aspects of single life, but you also enjoy spending long periods of time as part of a couple. When you are in a marriage or a serious romantic relationship, you prefer not to be totally enmeshed with your partner.

7 to 10: Congratulations! You are single at heart. Single is who you really are.

Read Bella DePaulo, Ph.D.'s PT Blog: Living Single