Advice Column

D
eclarations of Independence

My eight-year-old child has become a "follower". How can I keep him
from "following" the wrong crowd? To think on his own?

Angela

You're right to be concerned. Children who regularly defer to the
interests and needs of others lack critical social skills that will
increasingly circumscribe their future.

The ability to get along with peers, especially in groups, and to
speak up for onself and even to take the initiative when needed, takes a
great leap forward around this age. Whether you intend to or not, whether
you're aware of it or not, parents in particular--and the workings of
family life in general--help mold children's social skills, and the
bedrock on which those skills sit, a child's confidence in exploring the
world.

Sometimes parents seemt to forget that the goal of child-rearing is
to produce a child who can eventually function on his own. Children need
to develop a sense of their own competence at social affairs. There's a
lot you can do to foster it.

• Allow your child increasing control over his own life.
Allow him to make choices in small everyday matters. Allow your child to
control spare-time activities.

• Be supportive, not overprotective. And don't treat your son
(or daughter) as younger than he is.

• Never threaten to withdraw love; it makes a child feel
worthless. Children become overcompliant through inapproporiate methods
of punishment.

• Engage your child in conversation often.

• Encourage your child to ask for things. Ask your child to
speak up for what he wants before granting even small requests.

• Solicit your child's opinion about things. "What did you
think of that new show?" And be sure to indicate that you have nothing
better to do than to listen--without interruption. Ask questions of your
child in response to statements: "What was the funniest thing about it?"
"What makes you think that?" Also solicit your child's input during
family discussions.

• Demonstrate that your child's input has value. Follow
through on his suggestions and choices.

• Don't overvalue compliance. Yes, obedience is necessary,
But expecting total compliance with every adult demand discourages
children from asserting their own needs.

Not So Bad, Considering the Rest?

The 50-year-old guy who's physically fit and financially secure
sounds GREAT to me! I'm SO tired of flabby, lazy, immature, unmotivated
men whose main goal in life seems to watch as much TV sports as possible.
Sorry if I sound bitter, but it does seem to me that the general quality
of older women who at least try to stay fit and active and interesting
far outweighs their male counterparts nowadays.

Karen

I don't think you sound soooo bitter. There's a certain amount of
truth to what you lament. Women generally are more knowledgeable about
and conscious of diet and exercise, although I'm not sure that translates
into women being more fit or healthier. The dreadful fact is, the laws of
supply and demand give single older men a huge mating advantage over
single older women. There are far fewer of the former, far more of the
latter. So single women of a certain age on the mate market can't afford
NOT to look their best; it's a buyer's market. A quality woman might have
to settle for a specimen somewhat lower on the food chain than she is.
Sorry, these are just the brutal realities. Also--and here I'm speaking
from the treacherous swamp of personal experience, as a widow now on the
dating scene myself--a lot of guys out there are wounded and
shell-shocked from the divorce wars and have yet to find their way back.
But cheer up, there are good guys out there who are active and fit and
know that life's a lot better when you're maintaining mind and body, even
their own.