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Key points
- Children internalize their sense of self in different ways with different caregivers.
- Children sometimes act helpless with parents because they've made an association that dependence equals love.
- Children often function at a higher level with caregivers or teachers who expect kids to act independently.
Four-year-old Evan is completely potty independent at school. At home, he insists his dads, Glen and Ray, stay in the bathroom with him the entire time and pull his pants up and down for him, a task he is clearly capable of doing on his own.
This is a conundrum for families that comes up frequently in my practice: the child is capable of functioning more independently and confidently but they aren't because their parents are doing things for them that they can do themselves, setting up a pattern that persists.
What accounts for this difference in behavior from one setting to another?
Children make associations about themselves and their capabilities based on the nature of their relationships and the expectations inherent in those relationships. In school, teachers have clear, age-appropriate expectations that kids rise to. Their mission is to help children develop the skills and self-confidence to go off to kindergarten and thrive; to function independently in the way that is expected in elementary school. They are setting kids up for success. Accordingly, they aren't doing things for kids that they can do themselves. They are setting limits and creating opportunities for kids to develop those skills. Thus, kids come to see themselves as more independent and competent with teachers (and other caregivers they might have who set these kinds of clear expectations) than they do in situations where adults are doing things for them that they are actually able to do themselves.
Glen and Ray instinctively know that this dynamic with Evan isn't best for him. Even though it's what he wants, what he needs is the confidence to perform this and other self-care tasks independently. But they don't know how to get him there. They have tried coaxing, cheerleading, rewarding, and gamifying. Nothing has worked. And, it feels mean to refuse to help him. They are stuck.
To help Glen and Ray decide how they want to proceed, we go through the detective work to figure out the root cause of the behavior and what is best for Evan’s development. Here’s what we know:
- Evan has all the skills to do this task on his own.
- Toileting independently is important for his self-confidence and self-care skills.
- Evan may be associating acting less capable with getting more attention. (This is a phenomenon I see frequently in my practice: kids believe/worry that being more competent and independent might mean less connection with their parents; that if they act grown up and don't need their parents as much, they won't get the attention they need.)
Getting clear on this helps Glen and Ray develop a plan to recalibrate their relationship by creating the opportunity for Evan to see that he can be a capable, independent person while also having a loving, connected relationship with his dads; that he doesn't need to act less mature to secure their attention and love. The plan will show Evan that when he does his jobs (toilet independently, get dressed on his own), and they don't have to do his job for him, it saves time which can be spent on doing more fun, family bonding activities. Essentially, they'll be giving him attention in healthier, more developmentally appropriate ways.
Accordingly, Glen and Ray tell Evan that they aren’t going to go into the bathroom with him anymore; pottying is his job. They explain that because they will be saving a lot of time with this new plan, they will be able to add 15 minutes to the bedtime routine at night. Evan can choose whether he wants more books or extra cuddle time.
Evan threatens to stop going to the bathroom altogether. His dads don’t react. They calmly respond that that is up to him—it’s his body. When he does the potty dance, they don’t say anything, as suggesting he go to the bathroom in that moment usually results in Evan digging in his heels more fiercely. He holds it for a while, but when he sees that his dads are sticking to the limit without any fanfare, he ultimately starts going on his own, albeit with a lot of banging of the stool and the cabinets—to be sure to make his point that he is not happy with the new plan. Greg and Ray resist the urge to admonish Evan. They know this behavior is benign—he is not doing any damage. He's just trying to get a reaction; doing so would reinforce the unwanted behavior.
Greg and Ray report that after this intervention, Evan starts going to the bathroom on his own, not only during the day but also in the middle of the night, something he previously had woken them up for help with. The real shocker is that he also starts to wash his hands without their prompting or help! This is a phenomenon parents report frequently: after weeks, months, and sometimes years of avoiding setting a limit they know is important and good for their child, they do it and it’s life-changing. They also report that they see big changes in their child’s independence and self-confidence that go beyond the specific accomplishment, reinforcing that their children are much more competent and resilient than they thought.
With this success, Greg and Ray decide to apply the same approach to getting dressed—a job Evan is perfectly capable of doing himself. His two great choices are: 1) To get himself in the clothes he wants to wear to school by the time they are leaving; or, 2) Choose to go to school in whatever he is wearing when it's time to leave. They will always put an extra set of clothes in his backpack which he can change into any time he chooses. (His teacher is on board with this plan and has agreed he can go into the bathroom at school and change clothes if he so chooses.) This is a strategy many of my families have adopted that changes the dynamic within a day or two; once your child realizes you are sticking with the plan and not engaging in any kind of power struggle, they adapt and achieve a higher level of functioning—a win for all.
Here's the outcome, one of my all-time favorites: The timer goes off signaling it's time to leave (they use a visual timer so Evan can check it throughout the morning). Evan is still in his pajamas. As Greg starts to move him out of the house to the car, Evan asks, "Is it pajama day?" Greg says, "Nope, bud, it's not pajama day, it's just time to leave." Evan says he doesn't want to go in pajamas and asks if he can change. Greg says he can have five minutes to do that, which is exactly what Evan does. They haven't had a dressing battle since.
You may be wondering about their decision to let Evan change after the timer has gone off.
It’s an important question. If you start stretching limits in this way, children quickly get back in charge and they no longer respect the boundary. At the same time, we want them to have a chance to make a better decision for themselves. Where I have landed on this, after workshopping it intervention with many families to help them find the approach they feel most comfortable with, is as follows. In order to keep parents in charge, I suggest they set a visual timer to provide a five-minute warning, say at 8:25 if you have to leave at 8:30. This first alarm/beep signals the beginning of the "last chance period" to do whatever they need to do before leaving for school. Then, when the final timer goes off at 8:30, you leave. Otherwise you end up in the "one more minute" spiral as your child engages in any and all diversions to control the situation.
I'm not saying it's easy. When your child isn't dressed at the final buzzer it can feel very uncomfortable to get them to the car and buckled in if they are protesting. But what families share is that when they follow through, calmly and lovingly, their kids either ask to get dressed in the car when they arrive at school—so they can enter wearing their school clothes— or they get dressed at school. Game over. No more battles. The key is doing it matter-of-factly without any shaming, annoyance or anger. You are just teaching them how the world works in a loving way.
Setting these kinds of limits can be very hard for parents because it feels insensitive and rejecting to not just do the often simple task for them—what’s the big deal? But when done in this calm and supportive way, holding these boundaries that create the opportunity for kids to level up is incredibly supportive and loving. It enables children to build confidence in their ability to care for themselves and be the big kids they want to be. It's not helpful or loving to engage in a dynamic that is an obstacle to kids being their most competent selves.
Other recent stories from families who have set new limits to scaffold their kids' growth include:
“After setting clear limits at bedtime and solving our nighttime problems, Laney (age 5) is suddenly acting so much more independently. She now wants to make her own breakfast and is much more cooperative with the morning routine."
“We worried it would be harmful to take away our son’s (age 4) beloved pull-ups. He was so attached to them. But, in fact, continuing to use them, especially at school, was causing him a lot of shame. He told us that he was holding his pee all day so he wouldn't have to go into the bathroom and have the kids see he was still in pullups. We did it according to the plan we made with you; we just told him matter-of-factly that at four, kids wear underwear, and that we had total confidence in him that he will figure out what to do with his pee and poop, which he did. He was so unbelievably proud of himself, and you could feel the relief. He was like a different kid—so much calmer and joyful. And no more complaints about going to school.”
These are good reminders that limits are loving, and that what kids want isn't necessarily what they need.
