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Last week I had the opportunity to hear to Brian Cuban’s inspiring story. He came to Penn State, both University Park and to the College of Medicine, to speak about his struggles with body dysmorphic disorder, an eating disorder, and substance abuse. His book, Shattered Image: My Triumph Over Body Dysmorphic Disorder, is a great read. He further demonstrated his strength and passion to help others through his talks. I know as a writer that while it can be hard to share personal details, it can be even more difficult to stand up in front of a crowd and share those same stories. You are no longer hiding behind a piece of paper or a computer screen. Standing at the front of the room and talking about one’s struggles can feel daunting. Yet it is through this strength and Brian’s story that he is helping to inspire others as they try to find their own ways to recover.
Through my work and my own life, I know the importance of role models. When we hit struggles, it is helpful to hear others’ stories. How did they manage to make it through? What helped them? What lessons did they learn?
As a clinician, educator, and mentor, I was thrilled that the messages that Brian communicated were ones that I espouse. They are messages that are important in life and in journaling, so I want to share them here and offer some reflections and prompts.
Today let’s consider the idea that words have power. Words have incredible power, despite the adage—“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names with never harm me.” Names do harm. Words do have power. We know this from online bullying and the devastating outcomes from these acts. We know that words and “names” can affect how we view ourselves. It can, clearly, affect our self-esteem. Unfortunately, negative words have the most power. This seems related to our evolutionary development. If we didn’t use and hang onto negative emotions and experiences as a way of learning then we risked putting ourselves in danger, such as getting eaten by a saber tooth tiger.
We still seek ways to protect ourselves. If we feel that we have disappointed someone who is close to us, we hold tight to that experience so we won’t repeat it. Brian touched on this in his talk. He was raised by a mother who had been made to feel bad about herself and her parenting focused on negative comments to try and help guide behavior. The challenge is that these negative names or comments affect how we view ourselves. I have had smart, funny clients who had been told that they were the “dumb one” in the family and start to believe that about themselves. I’ve known people who were anxious about trying new activities because they carried the label of being “klutzes” or “uncoordinated”.
We remember the times we were told that we did something wrong more than we remember times that we were told we did something right. And it is these negatives that can continue to haunt us. These tapes can become a running commentary in our minds, which make us doubt ourselves in day to day pursuits.
The fact that words have power is also one of the reasons that writing can be so helpful. It allows us to put some of the vague, niggling feelings that we might be having into words so that we can discover and own our subconscious thoughts. It allows us to examine beliefs that we were raised on and see if these tenets are what we still want to power our lives.
So….
• What are some of the names or characteristics that you are still carrying? Take 5 minutes and just write—what thoughts come to mind that you remember being told? How are they still affecting you? What are they keeping out of your life? When I was young, I was told that my singing was used to exterminate the house. Ouch! I am not a great vocalist, I’ll acknowledge. But I am not so horrific that I should carry the exterminating image with me. It was years before I could sing in public. I would listen to people singing along with the radio and envy their freedom. They weren’t great singers, but they felt free in their own skin. By recognizing the power those words still had over me, I was able to let them go. I can sing at home now with Pandora. I have even performed karaoke on a cruise ship. My voice hasn’t changed, but willingness to bow to those negative words has.
• What are some of the words that you have told others? Writing about experiences, reflecting on them can help you become more mindful of your relationships.
• Now write about what you love about yourself. This can be harder. I have worked with talented individuals who are able to tell me everything they see wrong with themselves but can’t see their positives. Sometimes people think they will sound conceited if they reflect on good aspects of themselves. This can be an issue if you try to make others feel bad about themselves so that you can feel better. But owning my power as a writer and a psychiatrist and my compassion as a human does not take away your power. We can appreciate other peoples’ good qualities, but we need to also appreciate our own.
• Write about how to find joy in your life. Help yourself find joy in small aspects of life so that you can be more mindful of each and every minute of the day. I love seeing sunsets and having my dog jump with happiness at my return home. I love my cats snuggling on my lap. I love sharing jokes with my daughter. I love my son’s fierce hugs. I love the emoticon texts from my friends when they know I’m going through a tough time. Take a few minutes just to write and find moments, images that you appreciate in your life. Write a few gratitudes each day. It can help remind you to stay in the moment and seek joy.
So…go…write on!
Martha Peaslee Levine, M.D.
Associate Professor of Pediatrics, Psychiatry and Humanities
Penn State College of Medicine
